For Fear’s Sake

Perfection is not just about control. It’s also about letting go. Surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience. Transcendence! Very few have it in them … The only person standing in your way is you. It’s time to let her go. Lose yourself.

I read this on Jess’s blog and it stood out to me. Mostly because yesterday we had the conversation where I revealed that I guess sometimes I’m scared to be myself. Myself being slightly neurotic and a complete over thinker. Most people don’t know that about me, because I always appear cool, calm and collected. And I tend to try to be. But inside my mind, things replay over and over and over. And I do like to typically think about things before I say or do them. But why don’t I want people to know I mull over things? I mean, that just makes me human right?

Then I was talking to Man on the Moon and I revealed that often the thing that we want the most is also the thing that we fear, and that was also applying to my life. I love talking to people where I’m really just talking and as I talk I’m coming to my own revelations. Friends are therapists indeed.  I was telling him that I really want love. To be in a relationship. A real one. Getting to know someone, wanting to be engrossed in them as a person.. the fall. the friendship. the passion. But I also fear the experience. Being vulnerable, being open. Being hurt. Falling for someone and them not falling back.

All of this relates back to the quote in the fact that, no one told me I was neurotic or insane or hated me for it. I thought those things and think (thought) that people would dislike me for them, or judge me for them. I fear that I will fail at the thing I want or that the person won’t want it back. Has that happened to me in the past? Not in a way that I can strongly remember. I need to lose myself. Its a new way of saying what I’ve said before, “Don’t take yourself so seriousy…”

Random thoughts … that keep repeating. time to put the lesson to work. I think that is what my 2012 is meant to be about. Putting into action the lessons I’ve learned over the past 2 years. What is a lesson if you don’t apply it to life?


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