Someone told me I don’t speak up for myself. Actually several people have told me I don’t speak up for myself. This had led me to question what does that mean, both professionally and personally.
Since this is the year (again) that im building my personal life and goals I will dive into that first. Personally, I feel that there is a part of me that’s scared to be “too much” but I read a quote that said – you’ll always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out all your edges, you lose your edge.
I feels like depending on where I’m at physically, I’m rounding out my edges to not be too much of whatever it is that person or scenario might dislike. Why am I afraid to be me? Brené Brown said that often we shrink ourselves to hid shame and to avoid vulnerability. What does that mean to me to shrink myself? It means I’m hiding from my accomplishments, I’m not making jokes I would make, I’m smiling because I’m scared to say what I’m really thinking. It means I’m not expressing my emotions because I’m scared of offending someone, or pushing their buttons, or even being WRONG! How dare I feel ashamed of being wrong. Sometimes this even comes out as being afraid to say No because your scared of the outcome. Choose discomfort over resentment. I realize I harbor emotions because I’m too scared to be me in the moment and let it out. I’m always trying to appear cool, calm, and collected but really I’m a nervous wreck or overthinking about everything.
When I hear these quotes and I learn these lessons, of course I apply to them prior life situations… Let’s apply this to my single status. Everyone around me is always trying to figure out why I’m single, I mean, I’m awesome right? Well maybe the guy wasn’t thinking I was awesome because I was busy filing down my edges not to offend him. You know, because he is the one who you need to stick around and be your future husband, because society says you’re going to end up single. But you’ve done all that and he leaves any way, for the girl you think is no where near as great as you, but I bet she doesn’t file away her edges. She probably always remained who she was, even if it was what I might perceive as crazy. And no matter how many times I replay these scenarios somehow I can never figure out where I went wrong and I rinse and repeat the same cycle.
I don’t think about being single, but I think about being single every day, but I’m not supposed to talk about it, because I’m young and time is ahead of me. I’m not supposed to talk about it because that would mean I think I need a significant other to complete me. I’m not supposed to talk about it because I’m a strong woman, right I’m not ok with that. In episode 6.18 of Sex in the City, Plus One is the loneliest number Carrie makes a statement that “the loneliness is palpable…” . That line always struck me. and it applies to my life, palpable is so real that it takes physical form. the loneliness is palpable. I can touch it. It is an aura that i cannot escape. It sounded really sad when i recently said this aloud to someone, but there are days where outside of work I have no verbal contact with anyone. I go home to my empty house and I talk to my cat. I have news and feelings and thoughts that no one seems right to share with, except a significant other, whom I don’t have. Don’t mistake this for lack of friends, but friends are busy living their own lives as you enter this stage of adulthood. no longer are they available for hour along convos about your bitch of a boss because they have to dedicate that hour to their significant others gripes and feelings. They have someone else to share their happiness and sorrows with. Not that this means your friendship is less valuable, but what people don’t tell you when you hear lifelong friends talk, is how friendships shift as your lives change.
Somedays there are emotions and feelings that your friendships cant cover. Needing a hug, a sexy compliment and even a good morning text from someone who has no ulterior motives. Having someone to call because your flight got delayed because they were waiting for you. Hell, just having someone to cook a good meal for and to share your emotional space with is invaluable, and it doesn’t mean I think less of myself and my accomplishments because I want this. Because I miss this. But to talk about this, your friends get annoyed with your constant rants and social media critics will call you thirsty because you desire genuine human contact.
Because I believe in honesty I can admit that this loneliness and desire have led me to make less than desirable decisons. Ive put up with people I haven’d had connections with, I’ve made irresponsible decisions and accepted behavior I know will only satisfy short term desires versus long time goals. Hey, I’m not perfect, I’m human. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this life, I wasn’t taught to deal with emotions, I was taught to suck it up, push on. My rug has so many emotions stuffed under it that its a camel’s hump. Unfortunately until I learn how to appropriately speak up for myself, my wants, my desires, my needs, my quirks, my specialness it won’t go away.