#2014orbust

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On my makeshift desk I found a list titled “What Have I Learned This Year;” judging from the other notes on this torn notebook page it was written sometime in March or April because it references my Capstone opportunity. The list reads this verbatim

1. Your personality is yours. It is good, positive. Don’t attempt to change it.
2. Confidence —> you lack it must regain it.
3. Health is important but I don’t work hard enough to maintain it.
4. You are smart in a way that you don’t have to compare to others.
5. Stop comparing yourself. You won’t eat, think, talk, sleep or do anything like others. Think for yourself. Be yourself. Challenge yourself.

What are your hobbies? How well do you know yourself.

This note was special to me because it shows that I’m constantly talking to myself about value. As we approach the end of 2013, which I have dubbed the hardest year of life, it’s only right I reflect on this list that seems as if I started planning my resolutions months ago.

I said aloud in a room full of people that I need to recognize the value I bring to relationships (in all aspects) because when I don’t speak up for myself I end up hurt. I realized I have this fear of demanding too much that a person wouldn’t want me around. The inner pseudo-counselor in me realizes this stems from my self diagnosed “mommy issues”. Feeling like you have to be “easy breezy” or the man won’t want you, or the friend will become a frenemy is a thought process to lose. You must be true to yourself or else the feelings of loneliness will continue. Because the reality is that, when you aren’t yourself, people are staying around for the wrong reasons anyway. Genuineness is invaluable.

That was the thing about 2013, I realized that while I constantly felt challenged and felt palpable loneliness, I also felt supported and loved. I also came to know that I have truly fantastic people in my life. And then this little voice pops up that days! “Well you don’t show you value them enough, or you don’t deserve those people, they are better than you….” And it’s like you have to learn when to listen to the inner voices. Inside is not filled with one voice (not in a schizophrenic way) but just voices wrapped in emotions and feelings. Sometimes the voices will pick apart insecurities to drag you down, but the power in knowing it exist gives the power to ignore and fight back. With this said, for 2014 I plan on setting real, tangible, measurable goals. SMART. I plan to be more accountable to myself. #2014orbust.

So goals :

Show people you care back
Exercise your right to say NO
Speak up when you want answers
Be ok with uncertainty
Stop settling with hopes of a different outcome
Easy breezy doesn’t mean say yes to everything
Stop being a hermit.

Now the big stuff:

Finances

  • create a monthly budget and stick to it. Pay off debts.
  • Organization , maintaining it

  • remove clutter. Be more aware of messes and putting things off
  • Complete a vision board

  • or an altered book, which it discovered this week
  • Half marathon

  • Rutgers Unite marathon in April. Start training program.
  • Get serious about health goals

  • more than “lose weight” I want to get rid of sleep apnea ! I would like to not have to have a face mask. I would like to reduce my risk for diabetes (PCOS) increases this risk.
  • focus on really eliminating processed foods
  • meal preparation. Must eat breakfast made from home, lunch, and dinner. Only allowed eating out 1 time every 2 weeks.
  • Write More

  • 2012 and 2013 were probably the years I wrote the least. I was in “GO” mode all the time and missed many opportunities. I think this step away might have contributed to some of the over thinking I’ve been doing. I want to write more, blog more. I did slip into a period where I was trying to fit into other peoples definitions of what a blog should be, do you make money? What is it about? Why should I read? Well, honestly, I don’t care if I have 2 readers or 5, or 1000. I just have to do it for me. Passion versus Profit.
  • I have to be my own accountability partner. I want to take chances and be spontaneous but the only way to do that is to let go of the things that hold me back: worry about money. Worry about weight, worry about what people think. This year is about preparing for the goals I set, by December 31st 2015, one of two things will be happening: preparing for a cross country move or someone will propose to me. In order for either of those to happen, I have to be prepare.

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