Fighting against the tide

I have this bad habit of starting a post, walking away because my thoughts don’t feel complete and then an undisclosed amount of time passes so I no longer remember my original train of thinking … #fail. Anyway… I hope this still makes sense

” There is peace in knowing and the needing to guess where I stand. Not having to resort to decoding inference and weigh actions in relation to silence. Not having to devote any time to wondering and waiting, freed to devote myself wholly to wanting.” — Ladidahdi of Liquor,  Loans, and Love

Recently I woke up feeling as though I was being tested due to recent circumstances where someone from my past was continually reaching out trying to touch me. Even though I didn’t outright reject the idea of revisiting the past, certain things were coming out that made me realize it wasn’t right.. It didn’t feel organic. Why was being told to slow down being taken for rejection?  If you believe starting over isn’t worth it, especially when it comes to matters of the heart and mind, can you really believe in the mantra dust yourself off and try again? Because when you fall you don’t automatically resume your journey right where you left off, right? The imagery that came to mind was a rope climb (random I know) but if you fall down a rope that you’re climbing you always have to start from the bottom again. You replant your feet, make sure your grip is right and that you take a solid start on the way up the rope. Why is a relationship any different?

Why did I feel I was being tested? I’m not sure if I mentioned, but I’ve been reading the Bible for Dummies book (which I really enjoy because of the writing style and factual basis)  and had not so recently read a chapter detailing how God punished one of the early kings of Jerusalem (name not coming to me now)  because the  King didn’t believe God would protect the kingdom as promised. Because he didn’t believe the kingdom was protected he went through extreme measures to ensure the army was prepared for the pending battle. Because of this God was furious and caused the soldiers to not be able to perform (or something like that) and the king was punished for not having faith in God.

Adding to that, a few months ago I visited a Tarot card reader, who pretty much told me that I need to leave people in the past right there in the past. But as the text messages keep going on saying sweet nothings that my lonely heart has been dying to hear, its been hard to keep that in mind. You start to rationalize with yourself “well maybe they aren’t the same person” even as you begin to let your brain take over and decode that they are in fact the same person.  I got lost in wanting that feeling that the quote described. Here was this person, declaring that they saw me, knew me, wanted me. And that emotion creates a haze.. but what good are beautiful words if they are not spoken from the right person?

All this of this to say that I felt like I was being tested in my faith that there is something out there for me, at least in the love department. A love that makes my heart and brain smile together in unison. I have to believe that my future is out there and not go back to the past out of fear of loneliness. I have to let those scars picked up in the battlefield of love and happiness stay there. I have to  believe, truly believe, that if I’m doing the work required of me then I will eventually reach the goal. I have to stop going backward in order to visit my future. The sweet words jumped through the screen flying like meteors in a 3D movie, but my brain wasn’t having any of it. It was as if my brain finally began to take control of my lonely heart.  In the past I’d say things like, “whats meant for me is made for me,” and I do believe this to be true, if only I could stop standing in my own way. Be steadfast and exercise patience.

Its a dog – eat – dog world out there.. and some purebreds are losing

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