The Drought

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In an effort to really show that I’m serious about my future, I’ve taken to reading some dating books. I mean, clearly I need to do something different if I want new results. I had “Finding a Man Worth Keeping” on my bookshelf for years, but never opened it. Over the past month I’ve gotten about 4 chapters in. Even though its weird at first, I like that the author has you do some self-evaluation and assessments. Its sort of an “interactive” book in the way A Purpose Driven Life is. So once a week, I sit down with my notebook and see whats next. I admit, the past week or two I haven’t been as diligent, because I’m not quite sure how ready for dating I am. But whose ready for anything? Anywho… This post is about the activity we had to complete in the opening chapter.

The charge was to create two list for each person you have a dating history with: one list with the persons good qualities (pros) and a second for his bad qualities (cons). Each person was to have their own list, so you really had to spend some time thinking about the person and your relationship. After creating your list you were to circle every positive and negative quality that was repeated at least twice. When done, you were to create a want ad based on the negative qualities! Eeek!

Here is my ad:

Wanted: Demanding liar who must be unreliable and untrustworthy; this person must be able to make me feel bad about myself, and make subtle comments about my weight which I already feel self-conscious about. They will point out how they can be with other women instead of me to make me feel insecure and unworthy of their affections.  This person must also be selfish, and consistently devalue things of interest to their partner. This person must also blame others for everything wrong in their life. Money management ability optional.

Humph!!!

Seeing it written that way sort of makes you think about all the shit you’ve endured. I only used 3 people to create my list because they were people I really felt impacted my dating life versus just a guy I went on a date with. This was really an AHA moment where I realized “you accept the what you think you deserve.” And realized this is why I don’t believe any more in reverse dating (what I have deemed for re-dating a past lover).  I remember these people for how they made me feel, how they impacted me, and I don’t think I deserve that treatment anymore. Why would I want to revisit a relationship with someone who could make me feel bad about myself? I already beat myself up enough, no need to tag team here.

Talking to a friend, we discussed how often times we deem ourselves unworthy of the type of affection and love we THINK we deserve because often we (read I) don’t always feel deserving because we haven’t reached some goal we’ve set for ourselves. For instance … I don’t deserve a relationship, I’m not my goal weight or I’m not where I want to be in my career versus … I’ve worked really hard, I’m a good person, I’m ready for happiness, maybe I should try and be happy … IDK if that makes sense. But always remember, people often don’t see the person you are TRYING to be, just the person you ARE right now.. Take that how you want it, it can be good or bad.. but IT IS WHAT IT IS (fuck i hate that saying but it fit LOL)

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