Before I start, I think I’ve decided to start using SATC episode titles to title my blog posts… they seem to fit everything. I hope I don’t get sued. Onward to the topic at hand …
There are many things right now that I am wholly uninterested in. Currently, I have no interest in first dates and getting to know you. The idea of asking those questions like, “who you be with? What ya interest are? Things that make you smile and what numbers to dial,” make me want to bury my head in a groundhog fashion. I just feel completely disinterested in the whole process. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want to end my single status, but at what cost? I’ve signed up for freeonline dating sites before,and kept them for brief periods before growing bored. I’ve been introduced to people that my friends think are great, and yet my singleness persist. Really, all those things lead to pressure, anxiety, and even shame.
Friends have made me feel dirty and desperate for having an online profile.They have the power to make you feel bad when you dont hit it off with that “great guy they know”. It just gets awkward. Should friends take on a supporting role in your love life?
So that’s just one frustration.. I realized that pretty much all the men who have a lasting impact in my romantic life have been people where it was organic..No pressure from outsiders, but when the question comes up at every social gathering about your continuious single status how can you keep it private? Just mentioning a guy once will have his name coming up for the next 6, with “what happened with that” or “are ya’ll boyfriend and girlfriend or not? It’s all exhausting and feels like a test thats harder than the SATs. And if you say you’re content you get stares and sad looks, because everyone of course knows you’d give up single if you could. But their concern is short lived until the next invitation comes (no plus 1) to their wedding, housewarming, baby shower, couples game night, insert event where everyone’s life is in your face.
Somedays I have reconciled that I might be living this solo life forever. Others, I want to lay under the covers and hope they provide a shield from the loneliness.
Yet, even through all the sad loneliness, I don’t have an interest in revisiting the past. I admit, however, on dark days, I begin to beat myself up about choices and start to second guess it all… But backwards isn’t progression and who wants to get back into an unpredictable orbit?