My Motherboard, My Self

I came to a realization today, that was the summation of thoughts I’ve been battling over the past few weeks. My realization is that somewhere the thoughts I had about other people doubting me turned into me doubting myself professionally. How did this happen? Professionally, I feel adrift. I always feel like I have so much to do, yet, I never want to do any of it, therefore I’m filling my time with everything else.

I’ve placed immense value on my work and on my work ethic more specifically. I’ve been the there is no job too small that I will not help with girl forever. I am a team player who won’t ask my team to do something I wouldn’t do myself. My boss told me a lot to remove myself from things, that just because I’ve done things to turn them over. Now what am I going to do with my time? I started feeling idle. I faced some challenging situations with employees, because being a supervisor to people without the same work ethic has been the hardest thing EVER in a workplace with high expectations. I’ve spent nights crying and worrying about losing my job and feeling like a target. Nights feeling crucified for things my male boss could do that I have “crossed a line” with as a young(ish) black female. I’ve had my job realigned multiple times and things happen around me that I can’t question that I’ve never felt so silenced and isolated.
I started the year saying I wanted to step into my womanness and boss-status and have been dis-empowered and devalued every time I try to step up. For example. how can one be visible and present yet lay low at the same time?
I’ve been so confused and torn that it has crippled me as I realize the best thing I can do is leave. What does one do when they feel there is no reprieve or that nothing can change? As someone who has prided myself on having a positive work reputation, what do you do when you don’t even know what that is anymore? One of the biggest challenges I’ve been trying to work on is aligning who I am personally and who I am professionally and reconciling these people exist concurrently and not in isolation. However, my job hasn’t allowed for my laid back, spiritual seeking persona to thrive or an outlet for creativity. I’ve been told my role as a supervisor is to not have the creative ideas but to allow others to have them. how does a creative person navigate that?

I’ve resolved to focus on the things that move ME forward. Not my “job” because jobs change. I’m not letting my boss control what I post on social media and discouraging creative release. I’ve taken control on the “vibe” of my social content and committed to posting more. I’m spending time at home doing things that rejuvenate me, like early mornings on the patio under a blanket. I’m hoping by remembering how amazing and awesome I am, I reclaim my confidence.

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