The holidays are upon us again. I think I’ve made it no secret that the holidays are a tough time of year for me. Why?
This concept of FAMILY. What does it mean? Most would lead you to believe family is blood. Family are the genial relatives who make you feel worse about yourself sometimes before you feel better. But think of SATC. Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte were a family, no? Were they not there for each other through good, bad, up, down, left, right and upside down? The Holidays always force me to face the reality of what I define as my family and make me choose between spending time with my “family” and my FAMILY.
The other day I worked myself into a tizzy thinking about my Thanksgiving plans. I started thinking about myself and my grandmother and how my aunt or any of my cousins hadn’t reached out to me to see if I had Thanksgiving plans. For those new hear, I am an only child. I grew up pretty close to my cousins and my aunt. But I lived with my grandmother. I’m from small 1.2 sq mile town where nothing is far from anything. Ever since I “got grown” and started my life away from that small town, I feel like an outsider around these people I grew up with.
Anywho.. Yeah.. I got mad! Why didn’t I reach out to her? Well I had no contacts! And I also think its kind of rude to call someone and say, “hey, what are you cooking so I can come over? And oh, what should I bring?”But it wasn’t just the fact that it was her. It was NO ONE hit me up. Even my grandmother got a little out the holiday spirit when I told her I wasn’t going to Virginia to spend with her and her siblings. Instead I’ll be spending the holiday with some of my long time friends and feeling more at home with them than with my own family. However, the super domesticated part of me would rather be in the kitchen cooking with loved ones vs. just showing up. Next year I’m hosting dinner at my house. I’ve decided. With people who I hold true and dear to me. NO more being a passenger on this holiday ride, time to shape my own destiny and create my own traditions, right?
This song was ALWAYS one of my favorites from the 4 cd. All my friends would skip it and say it was too slow, but it always always, ALWAYS gave me chills. And the video montage did so too. Why is this song so powerful? Aren’t we all trying to impact someone’s life in some way? Don’t we all want to be loved and give love?
I saw this and it made me think on something I wanted to blog about before but never did .. and now I can’t seem to remember what it was. But now my thoughts spark to how this song makes me question have I made smart choices. Or Sound Choices. It’s kind of scary to dive into these decisions and not know if things are going to pan out. And what does that mean? SO many of the decisions I made didn’t “pan out” in the way I imagined, but they worked out. And I think that’s the most important thing, right?
Recently I was having a chat with an old friend… Let’s just say we go back like cornbread and collard greens .. and she was recounting an event she witnessed that I didn’t even remember from about two years ago. She told me that one day we were with another friend who told us that she had done something and I was very judgey towards the friend to a point where I made her uncomfortable … She told me that I recently said something that bothered her and even though she knew I meant no harm, she took offense..
Now, let me preface this that I do struggle with being insensitive sometimes. I’m not mean, but I speak without thinking. Which if you read about Geminis it’s a very common trait. Anyway, I know that I can be that way, and I always hope I haven’t offended someone, and often I might ask them if I have. Lately I do try to be careful in what I say. But it just made me think of perception. But what do you do if its someone you know very well? They know deep down you’re a nice person, a good person, but yet something you say has offended them..
I know that I take people as they are, even if what they do is different than what I would do. I also know that I’m in world where I have evolving views on many issues and often times I enjoy debate for the sake of debate. I also know that people do not know these things about me. How do I manage? How do any of us manage? Even though lately I’ve evolved into someone who is comfortable in who I am, I don’t want who I am to offend who you are…
I got a new tattoo .. Lux et Veritas, which is Latin for light and truth.
It’s crazy how I discovered this quote. I happened to be reading John Thellin’s book, A History of Higher Education and as I was reading about Colonial co lleges and their development he briefly mentioned that the motto for Harvard was Lux et Veritas. Lux et Veritas stood out to me so much. I jotted it down and put a sticky on my desk. I let it marinate for a few days. I was also watching Charmed one day (who doesn’t know that I LOVE Charmed? ) and Leo gave this speech to Piper (his wife) that in her he saw everything that was good and beautiful in the world and that was why when he had the opportunity he made her the Earth Goddess.
So, as I kept looking at this quote, I kept wondering what it meant to me. I mean, it did stick out to me so much. Well, I’d been wanting to get a new tattoo for a few months now, so the opportunity presented itself on Friday. I decided to go with this quote I’d become obsessed about. Lux et Veritas. I got it on my left shoulder, written in mirror image. As the idea formulated I knew what it meant to get it. In the mirror, I hope to always reflect the truth of the world and I hope to always reflect that light. Light and Truth. Mirrors will never lie to us. Reflect what you want to see within.
Found this one I typed up way earlier in the summer on my BB .. And since its still relevant.. Enjoy!
I spend a lot of time thinking about love, relationships, and even feeling down about not being in one when almost everyone I know is boo’ed up. I tell myself, “don’t chase, attract.” Or even, “you’re not going to find it. It will find you.” And I do believe it all, but it doesn’t stop the loneliness or give you some attention right when you need it..Not everyday do I feel like this, but often enough..
Well, I was talking to Haqq one day and I repeated something I said to my (guy)friend Jay, “I hope I haven’t met the person I’m supposed to be with yet. The idea that a. We had a go ’round already that didn’t work or b. I have this awesome person in my life and don’t know it is freaky.. I mean isn’t that valid? Wouldn’t those two things kinda suck? Anywho, So Haqq asked me how believeable is that? The likelihood that I’ll meet someone new and marry them is slimmer than me making it work with someone already in my life and how that’s often a popular story. “I knew him for so many years and one day boom we came together.”So its possible that my one of my fears is going to happen .. So I amended my thought, like yeah, your probably right. I hope I haven’t at least already dated him.
Does anyone see the problem here? I didn’t at first, but then I thought later, why sell yourself short Cleo? What is UP with that? Why isn’t it realistic that I haven’t met him.. Not to invalidate her point but .. I should have stuck with mine.. But IF one of them is. I hope its someone great and I haven’t realized it yet because I’m watching / helping him grow…
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I know I’ve been taking so many hiatuses from blogging that people probably don’t even check here anymore .. but I spent some time thinking about WHY I haven’t been utilizing my site …
I came to the realization that it was a combination of many things .. but one that stuck out was that I struggled with my identity as a blog/blogger … One of the first questions people ask when they hear you have a blog/webiste is ” What kind of blog is it?” And I always felt like I had to try and put my blog in a box … People didnt get that it was just me, a mix of everything I love. Fashion, personal stories, news stories I was struck by and just a complete mix of randomness. That doesn’t quite fit in a category. . . and the whole thing about paying for a site that doesn’t make money .. I felt I needed to pick a category, do it well, and try to prosper… It lost its orignal appeal to me.
I started this blog at first as Desire’s Inspiration on wordpress.com and eventually transferred everything here to Cleo Sunshine to create a brand, but I lost the reason I started it. I started it to vent, to get out to write. I had just graduated college with my BA in Journalism and Media Studies and I still enjoyed writing a lot even if I hadn’t gotten a job in the field. This was my outlet. My place to showcase my skill and opinion about topics relevant to me. And I’ve realized I am my brand. Not the topic I write about. I am the reason people would read my blog..
I want to get back to that … Part of is that I do realize some people do read it, and I always get comments from people, via twitter, facebook, or the comment section on the posts that I just wrote from the heart, whether about music, fashion, or whatever. I want to get back to the basics .. I am not an authority on any subject or field here in this blog world, I’m just me. A Jersey girl who likes so many different things I can’t begin to describe it all
I’ve learned that life can be really simple when you take a moment to do that. Back 2 Basics. And I really want to do that here. More living. More sharing. More blogging..
Lately, being a single girl who’s not opposed to dating courtship has been on my mind A LOT! Mostly because I just feel the people I meet aren’t doing it right! But some do! Something happened last night that made me think of a great blog entry . So here goes …
Recently a gentleman opened my car door for me. Shocked me. I wasn’t used to such displays of chivalry but i ran with it. And I wanted to reach over and open his door, but of course he had automatic locks. And it made me think of the “Car Door Test” described by Sonny in a Bronx Tale. Not familiar? Peep the video ::
…
Pretty much, what Sonny tells his nephew is this: If you want to know if the girl is a good girl, a keeper, you open her car door for her. You walk around the BACK of the car and peek in. If she’s not reaching over to flip the lock for you, DUMP HER! This comes after he just gave him a spiel about don’t worry about what others think. Clearly Uncle Sonny never anticipated automatic locks and key less entry. -___-
So what do you do for the guy who still opens the car door for you?
I have a young man who comes and talks to me. I recently met him in the professional capacity but he’s quite promising as young man and I wish him the best. He was in my office telling me how he met this DOPE girl from Chicago and he really wanted to get to know her and good first date ideas. I thought it was SOOOO cute!!! I blushed FOR her! But we got to talking about texting and dating. Now I’m a frequent texter but not the the extreme and I told him that nothing beats conversation. Phone or in person. I said I don’t know if its because I’m on the brink of the text generation. People weren’t texting out of style when I was in high school, so you HAD to talk to the person either on the phone or in person. I shared a person experience of a recent potential suitor who’s trying to have a text message relationship. So he said what’s appropriate texting with someone you don’t know yet? I thought for a minute .. and I said ,
Well, you ask a few casual questions, but I think it should be to set up a face to face interaction. Whether its to grab coffee at Starbucks or go bowling or walk through the park, you want to really get to know someone. Or even ask if they are available to talk on the phone. I also understand not everyone is a phone talker, but everyone is a face to face talker, unless you’re a social reject.
He thought for a minute and said, “yeah, I think that’s a good idea. I’m gonna do that.” I was pleased. More young men need to be saved. This conversation was with my friend about dating and courtship and just recognizing BS. Its a dog – eat – dog world out there.. and some purebreds are losing.
It just occurred to me as I listened to a radio ad for the movie “The Help” This summer was a Powerhouse for movies.. I’m talking Xmen, Transformers, HARRY POTTER, Captain America (I didn’t see that tho) Friends with Benefits and many others.
I mean, when was a summer this awesome. None that I can think of. Its kinda bittersweet though, I’ll never have another HP movie or possibly not another Transformers .. And with the success of so many of these comes the not so awesome sequel attempts.
Anywho, here are some of my thoughts on these summer blockbusters that I did see and the ones I think were alleged blockbusters that I didn’t see..
1. Xmen — Awesome. I’m a big fan of the X-Men series and I loved the early introduction to some characters.
2. Harry Potter– So So Soooo Sad that its over. Devastated.
3. Transformers- loved it. Laughed a lot.
4. Crazy, stupid, Love- loved it. Adult humor. Ryan Gosling Topless=awesomeness
5. Friends w/ Benefits – cute. Mila Kunis + JT were funny. Mila’s mom character, funny.
6. Bad Teacher – Funny, but I’m still unsure of the point.
7. Something Borrowed – cute. Good book adaptation.
8.BridesMaids- alleged the hangover of Chick flicks. I found it funny. I do love Maya Rudolph.
What I didn’t see:
Pirates of the Carribean – I thought the last one was the last one.
Hangover II – I refuse to tarnish my opinion of the first. No one person gave this an A review.
Thor
Super 8
Green Lantern
Captain America
Cowboys & Aliens
Smurfs
Rise of Planet of the Apes
Will see:
The Help
Very good movie season! Viva la Summer!
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Today I really sat and thought about choices and their impact. Life really is all about the choices we make (for the most part). I’ve come to think that it’s really the small things that make up the biggest aspects of our lives.
Small choices = big results. Isn’t that like the mantra of every diet book and weight loss guide in the world? What made me go down this train of thought were several things, various Facebook statuses from friends and my own battle with coffee stick out to me.
Someone wrote how they just want to be drama free. Well if you want To be how can it not be? Because of the choices we make!! You want drama free but you indulge flirting with men or women online for your significant other to see. You want drama free but you spend time gossiping on the phone with coworkers about coworkers. You don’t want drama but you frequently entertain shenanigans. You choose the people in your life. If someone brings drama, cut them off! And I know that everyone has their own definitions of drama, but whatever it is to you , it’s a matter of the choices you make.
I want to give up coffee, well not really but I think I could drink less. The other day I as driving past QuickChek and they have some amazingly delicious coffee, including an extreme caffeine blend. It took ALL my willpower not to stop in, even though I was tied and hadn’t been sleeping well and I needed that boost of caffeine.
I’m trying to go back to where I made a conscious choice every day to be positive. I used to do this and realize I liked who I was more then. I won’t pretend it’s easy it’s REALLY hard to be positive daily when you dont see instant, tangible results. I also want to make a conscious choice to Handle my time better. I’ve always struggled with time management, but now I want to tackle this as a goal. I say this as I realize I’ve been sitting on the couch watching E! Since I’ve woken up. I know I want to do this but I have to plan my how. Right now it’s just an idea, soon enough I’ll have a plan and I will definitely share.
Its weird that typing a blog entry while sitting on my laptop doesn’t feel natural anymore?
I think I lost my sense of self somewhere back between spring and summer. I think it got lost in the self scrutiny and criticalness I’ve been having of myself. Some days I go through the motions, but I’m just not me. I put the smile on and I carry on my day, but its not there. I’ve also become someone who starts things and doesn’t finish them. That’s soo NOT me! Even this blog entry was started and stopped several times.
I feel more cynical. More jaded. Less joyous about the world. This isn’t me. Hasn’t been me. Why now? What’s caused me to lose sight of positivity?
I’ve been spending a lot of time alone. Even in the presence of friends and family I’m alone in my thoughts. Planning and wondering how to get to the next point, but I don’t even know what that next point is. And before I can focus on the next point shouldn’t I be enjoying where I currently am?
Let’s see:
I’m blessed beyond belief. I cannot deny this. I can’t say I have an awful life by any means. I’m grateful to be where I am in life. I feel this in all my heart but my mind doesn’t believe it.
I’m hoping writing this all down makes it more real and forces me to address it.
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Last night I caught the tail end of the BET Awards. And I watched along with my Twitter Family, which was full of comedy and great laughs.
But while watching the shenanigans and laughs, I realized. BET is not the enemy. Now, I am no stranger to harsh BET critique. But, in the shower this morning. I realized that they are TRYING. And all we can do is try right?
Do I think the quality of programming has sunken since selling to Viacom? YES. However, that isn’t anyone’s fault but VIACOMS. Actually, I don’t blame Viacom. I blame us, the viewers. (well you all). You don’t watch these shows, but you flock over there to VH1 and their ratings go up and BETs go down. BET can’t sell ads for half as much as VH1, therefore they can’t put in any money into shows. As much as we can talk about Debra Lee and her press and curl and her shaky voice, she is doing what she can with the resources the provide. At the end of the day its a dollars and sense game. D.Lee is doing what makes sense to her, and that’s trying to give you what you think you want. You should really be mad at the man who sold BET.
What other network tried to save the beloved show, The Game? NONE. So yes, you may feel the show “fell off” since coming to BET, but they bought back a show that a major network canceled. What other network did that? The only show that suffered a semi-similar status was Friday Night Lights, which was saved through a deal with Direct TV and CBS a few years back. Do we wish Girlfriends had been extended, absolutely, but it was wasn’t. In the words of Beyonce, Boo hoo. GET OVER IT. Can we let the past go?
I’ve realized that black people are incredible unsatisfied with whatever you try to do. They want more black shows, so BET tries to give it to them, but they dog them and then don’t watch them. Instead they flock to shows like Basketball Wives. If you don’t watch the shows, they can’t get money to become more than low budget. And then, they criticize the hell out of the perception of black people on major network TV shows. I know I intend to tune in to their latest show, I don’t recall the name, with Joan Clayton and Theo Huxtable. Will you?
Which way is up here?
I think the same goes for Tyler Perry. While I am personally not a fan, he is NOT the enemy.The more people support Madea in the media, the more he gets paid to make her. If you had a problem with Madea and him dressing in drag, you’d stop supporting. But you don’t. You pay to watch the movie, or netflix it, or bootleg it, therefore showing him that this is a lucrative character. And even if House of Payne and Meet the Browns is a show that makes your skin cringe, what screen play did you write? What show did you script? What actors have you hired out of retirement?
So, this weekend I had a birthday. And Birthdays are bittersweet, I was soooo excited at one point and the next I was crying because I wasn’t where I wanted to be and this was my second single birthday. But after some self – pep talking and some convos with awesome people, I decided to focus on the positives.. Let’s see. What am I grateful for. What did 25 bring me?? AWESOMENESS !!!
1. New Job in NYC.
2. Acceptance into Grad School, in NYC
3. Trip to LA where I’ve always wanted to go
4. Trip to ATL where I’ve wanted to visit
5. Some awesome new people I didn’t know last year.
6. Job moving me to the campus closer to my house !!! (Technically this won’t happen until I’m 26, but still good news )
That’s 5, FIVE, memorable life changing things there. How could I have been foolish enough to focus on the negative-the biggest being single? Why? Because we are trained to think about what’s missing instead of whats good. Is being single great? Yes, at times. Its great to do what you want, when you want, without having to be overly concerned with someone elses feelings. But its also not great. You feel like your missing a companion, you don’t get laid regularly, you have to buy your own gifts on holidays, and you sleep alone most days-but is that worth ignoring all the other amazing things? By all means, NO!!
I think its time I start focusing on the positives. I do always try, but maybe not with all my heart , because its so hard-like I said, we are trained to think of life as a glass half empty instead of half full. But from today forward, I’m working on the other way. I’m taking charge of my life and making it a positive one, thinking positive got me this far!
Writing this blog made me think of something I have in my kitchen window:: the Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules for Living, more specifically-”When you lose, don’t lose the lesson” and “Remember, not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck” and these things are absolute truths! At first, I was sort of upset about having to commute to NYC when my job has NJ campuses so near my house, but I met some amazing people who I hope continue on this life journey with me. I also discovered a fashion sense I didn’t have before and appreciate NYC in a new way. I admit, I will kind of miss it, but I’ll still have to go for class.
Ok, I’m rambling. Lesson:: celebrate what you have, not dwell on what’s missing. Also, its not missing if you never had it
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I once had a friend who’s email address was love_less_j , funny because we weren’t even 21 when she had such an email address. Why would she call herself love_less before giving love a fighting chance in her life? Life had barely begun and she was naming her destiny..
The other night I was watching Khloe & Lamar on E (we all know their story-married within a month and focus of lots of media scrutinty) and it got me thinking about people who give themselves to love freely. I don’t think what they feel for each other is a TV spectacle. When Lamar cradled Khloe on the floor while she cried about her weight issues and comforted her, that was love !!
It bought my thoughts to a coworker I have. To start & because I believe in full disclosure, I think the girl is an idiot. But, in her personal life she is always “in love”. This is a girl who is getting flowers delivered to work on all the right holidays . In December she was in love with a guy in the army stationed overseas and then that ended and now she’s dating a fellow coworker. Who she “loves”. One day she left a letter she wrote to him up on a computer professing how this love is different and he makes her want to be a better her and that she has found her “true” king. After I barfed several times and poked fun at her naivete, I did some thinking.
Is there something to be said about the ability to trust in love and someone else easily? Are the rest of us too guarded? She seems entirely more happy than I feel sometimes. Are the rest of us really trying to “get to know” someone else or are we trying to shield ourselves and maintain control of the situations? Do you really need to know his mothers maiden name and his 3rd cousin Timmy before you love HIM (or her) the person? What’s wrong with following your feelings instead of your brain. Is getting hurt in love always a bad thing? Love is a special thing, but does special mean we only reserve it for 2-3 people in our romantic lives? Does special equate to exclusive? Are recipients who’ve received my love members of a secret society?
Shouldn’t it really be that what’s special about my love is that no one can love someone the way I do. The love I have for my lovers, friends, and family is unique to any love they share. And the way they love me back is different. Isn’t it better to have loved and lost?! There is something admirable in the ability to have faith in love. I hope I haven’t lost mine in being to scared to seem vulnerable. Isn’t that what we are all afraid of? Appearing weak? Appearing vulnerable to another person? Feeling like we got played?
Food for thought.
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Nostalgia can be a good thing sometimes. You know, reminiscing about the times when your family would get together and have that big yearly barbeque. Or the antics you and your friends got into high school. However, the other day I had some thoughts of nostalgia that left me sad. The thing with Mister Nostalgia is that it’s a gift and a curse.. Let me tell you my experience recently with old Mr. Nostalgia.
Last week I was having one of those self doubt filled weeks, questioning past decisions and if they were right and kinda feeling lonely. (I think all single girls have that feeling sometimes). Well, I got to thinking about my EX and just kinda missing the relationship we had. I think I miss the friendship over everything else. I was missing talking to him all the time. The someone to talk to about nothing all day with. I had those, “are you sure this isn’t the person for you thoughts and maybe after it all you guys will still be.” All these thoughts festered for awhile, maybe two days .. Then I started thinking about all the BAD things between me and said ex. Like him not going to my college graduation because he had to attend another girl that he was dating graduation. Or him having a young chick on the side for a few years and the various other things that happened in our tumultuous on and off 8 year relationship..
Do you see how nostalgia can be a bad things. Imagine if those feelings had been nurtured, I could have found myself making a phone call and getting caught back up in some bad news. Do I still miss the friendship, yes.. And slowly we work at having some semblance of friendship but its important, for my sanity and hearts sake, to be able to distinguish between what I miss. I don’t miss wondering why I wasn’t enough.. Or what he was doing if he didn’t answer the phone. I getting together or Sunday nights to watch True Blood and someone who liked to try new recipes with me sometimes and sharing new music and interesting news articles with .. And we do that sometimes, over twitter and facebook lol!!
Be careful with Mr. Nostalgia is all I’m saying.
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I’m completely obsessed with nail polish and designs these days. Especially ones I might be able to create myself. So, I read a tutorial on http://diynails.tumblr.com on how to do Cheetah Nails .. And decided to try it ..since I’m overly harsh I think my attempt sucked but I have to relax it was my first time and after doing further research, I needed a dipping tool (or toothpick) to make the spots .. I used a Qtip lol.. You live and you learn! Check them out!
I think next time I’m going with a lighter base coat, like tan, with pink cheetah dots and the black outline. For me the green spots are too close in color to the black .. And I was rushing so it smeared.
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Dope. Crazy. Perfectly Imperfect. I'm not the best writer and probably not the worst either, but I am happy while doing it. Stick with me and you'll never be bored! I mean, maybe you won't and maybe you will....
