I know I’ve been taking so many hiatuses from blogging that people probably don’t even check here anymore .. but I spent some time thinking about WHY I haven’t been utilizing my site …
I came to the realization that it was a combination of many things .. but one that stuck out was that I struggled with my identity as a blog/blogger … One of the first questions people ask when they hear you have a blog/webiste is ” What kind of blog is it?” And I always felt like I had to try and put my blog in a box … People didnt get that it was just me, a mix of everything I love. Fashion, personal stories, news stories I was struck by and just a complete mix of randomness. That doesn’t quite fit in a category. . . and the whole thing about paying for a site that doesn’t make money .. I felt I needed to pick a category, do it well, and try to prosper… It lost its orignal appeal to me.
I started this blog at first as Desire’s Inspiration on wordpress.com and eventually transferred everything here to Cleo Sunshine to create a brand, but I lost the reason I started it. I started it to vent, to get out to write. I had just graduated college with my BA in Journalism and Media Studies and I still enjoyed writing a lot even if I hadn’t gotten a job in the field. This was my outlet. My place to showcase my skill and opinion about topics relevant to me. And I’ve realized I am my brand. Not the topic I write about. I am the reason people would read my blog..
I want to get back to that … Part of is that I do realize some people do read it, and I always get comments from people, via twitter, facebook, or the comment section on the posts that I just wrote from the heart, whether about music, fashion, or whatever. I want to get back to the basics .. I am not an authority on any subject or field here in this blog world, I’m just me. A Jersey girl who likes so many different things I can’t begin to describe it all
I’ve learned that life can be really simple when you take a moment to do that. Back 2 Basics. And I really want to do that here. More living. More sharing. More blogging..
Lately, being a single girl who’s not opposed to dating courtship has been on my mind A LOT! Mostly because I just feel the people I meet aren’t doing it right! But some do! Something happened last night that made me think of a great blog entry . So here goes …
Recently a gentleman opened my car door for me. Shocked me. I wasn’t used to such displays of chivalry but i ran with it. And I wanted to reach over and open his door, but of course he had automatic locks. And it made me think of the “Car Door Test” described by Sonny in a Bronx Tale. Not familiar? Peep the video ::
…
Pretty much, what Sonny tells his nephew is this: If you want to know if the girl is a good girl, a keeper, you open her car door for her. You walk around the BACK of the car and peek in. If she’s not reaching over to flip the lock for you, DUMP HER! This comes after he just gave him a spiel about don’t worry about what others think. Clearly Uncle Sonny never anticipated automatic locks and key less entry. -___-
So what do you do for the guy who still opens the car door for you?
I have a young man who comes and talks to me. I recently met him in the professional capacity but he’s quite promising as young man and I wish him the best. He was in my office telling me how he met this DOPE girl from Chicago and he really wanted to get to know her and good first date ideas. I thought it was SOOOO cute!!! I blushed FOR her! But we got to talking about texting and dating. Now I’m a frequent texter but not the the extreme and I told him that nothing beats conversation. Phone or in person. I said I don’t know if its because I’m on the brink of the text generation. People weren’t texting out of style when I was in high school, so you HAD to talk to the person either on the phone or in person. I shared a person experience of a recent potential suitor who’s trying to have a text message relationship. So he said what’s appropriate texting with someone you don’t know yet? I thought for a minute .. and I said ,
Well, you ask a few casual questions, but I think it should be to set up a face to face interaction. Whether its to grab coffee at Starbucks or go bowling or walk through the park, you want to really get to know someone. Or even ask if they are available to talk on the phone. I also understand not everyone is a phone talker, but everyone is a face to face talker, unless you’re a social reject.
He thought for a minute and said, “yeah, I think that’s a good idea. I’m gonna do that.” I was pleased. More young men need to be saved. This conversation was with my friend about dating and courtship and just recognizing BS. Its a dog – eat – dog world out there.. and some purebreds are losing.
It just occurred to me as I listened to a radio ad for the movie “The Help” This summer was a Powerhouse for movies.. I’m talking Xmen, Transformers, HARRY POTTER, Captain America (I didn’t see that tho) Friends with Benefits and many others.
I mean, when was a summer this awesome. None that I can think of. Its kinda bittersweet though, I’ll never have another HP movie or possibly not another Transformers .. And with the success of so many of these comes the not so awesome sequel attempts.
Anywho, here are some of my thoughts on these summer blockbusters that I did see and the ones I think were alleged blockbusters that I didn’t see..
1. Xmen — Awesome. I’m a big fan of the X-Men series and I loved the early introduction to some characters.
2. Harry Potter– So So Soooo Sad that its over. Devastated.
3. Transformers- loved it. Laughed a lot.
4. Crazy, stupid, Love- loved it. Adult humor. Ryan Gosling Topless=awesomeness
5. Friends w/ Benefits – cute. Mila Kunis + JT were funny. Mila’s mom character, funny.
6. Bad Teacher – Funny, but I’m still unsure of the point.
7. Something Borrowed – cute. Good book adaptation.
8.BridesMaids- alleged the hangover of Chick flicks. I found it funny. I do love Maya Rudolph.
What I didn’t see:
Pirates of the Carribean – I thought the last one was the last one.
Hangover II – I refuse to tarnish my opinion of the first. No one person gave this an A review.
Thor
Super 8
Green Lantern
Captain America
Cowboys & Aliens
Smurfs
Rise of Planet of the Apes
Will see:
The Help
Very good movie season! Viva la Summer!
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Today I really sat and thought about choices and their impact. Life really is all about the choices we make (for the most part). I’ve come to think that it’s really the small things that make up the biggest aspects of our lives.
Small choices = big results. Isn’t that like the mantra of every diet book and weight loss guide in the world? What made me go down this train of thought were several things, various Facebook statuses from friends and my own battle with coffee stick out to me.
Someone wrote how they just want to be drama free. Well if you want To be how can it not be? Because of the choices we make!! You want drama free but you indulge flirting with men or women online for your significant other to see. You want drama free but you spend time gossiping on the phone with coworkers about coworkers. You don’t want drama but you frequently entertain shenanigans. You choose the people in your life. If someone brings drama, cut them off! And I know that everyone has their own definitions of drama, but whatever it is to you , it’s a matter of the choices you make.
I want to give up coffee, well not really but I think I could drink less. The other day I as driving past QuickChek and they have some amazingly delicious coffee, including an extreme caffeine blend. It took ALL my willpower not to stop in, even though I was tied and hadn’t been sleeping well and I needed that boost of caffeine.
I’m trying to go back to where I made a conscious choice every day to be positive. I used to do this and realize I liked who I was more then. I won’t pretend it’s easy it’s REALLY hard to be positive daily when you dont see instant, tangible results. I also want to make a conscious choice to Handle my time better. I’ve always struggled with time management, but now I want to tackle this as a goal. I say this as I realize I’ve been sitting on the couch watching E! Since I’ve woken up. I know I want to do this but I have to plan my how. Right now it’s just an idea, soon enough I’ll have a plan and I will definitely share.
Its weird that typing a blog entry while sitting on my laptop doesn’t feel natural anymore?
I think I lost my sense of self somewhere back between spring and summer. I think it got lost in the self scrutiny and criticalness I’ve been having of myself. Some days I go through the motions, but I’m just not me. I put the smile on and I carry on my day, but its not there. I’ve also become someone who starts things and doesn’t finish them. That’s soo NOT me! Even this blog entry was started and stopped several times.
I feel more cynical. More jaded. Less joyous about the world. This isn’t me. Hasn’t been me. Why now? What’s caused me to lose sight of positivity?
I’ve been spending a lot of time alone. Even in the presence of friends and family I’m alone in my thoughts. Planning and wondering how to get to the next point, but I don’t even know what that next point is. And before I can focus on the next point shouldn’t I be enjoying where I currently am?
Let’s see:
I’m blessed beyond belief. I cannot deny this. I can’t say I have an awful life by any means. I’m grateful to be where I am in life. I feel this in all my heart but my mind doesn’t believe it.
I’m hoping writing this all down makes it more real and forces me to address it.
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Last night I caught the tail end of the BET Awards. And I watched along with my Twitter Family, which was full of comedy and great laughs.
But while watching the shenanigans and laughs, I realized. BET is not the enemy. Now, I am no stranger to harsh BET critique. But, in the shower this morning. I realized that they are TRYING. And all we can do is try right?
Do I think the quality of programming has sunken since selling to Viacom? YES. However, that isn’t anyone’s fault but VIACOMS. Actually, I don’t blame Viacom. I blame us, the viewers. (well you all). You don’t watch these shows, but you flock over there to VH1 and their ratings go up and BETs go down. BET can’t sell ads for half as much as VH1, therefore they can’t put in any money into shows. As much as we can talk about Debra Lee and her press and curl and her shaky voice, she is doing what she can with the resources the provide. At the end of the day its a dollars and sense game. D.Lee is doing what makes sense to her, and that’s trying to give you what you think you want. You should really be mad at the man who sold BET.
What other network tried to save the beloved show, The Game? NONE. So yes, you may feel the show “fell off” since coming to BET, but they bought back a show that a major network canceled. What other network did that? The only show that suffered a semi-similar status was Friday Night Lights, which was saved through a deal with Direct TV and CBS a few years back. Do we wish Girlfriends had been extended, absolutely, but it was wasn’t. In the words of Beyonce, Boo hoo. GET OVER IT. Can we let the past go?
I’ve realized that black people are incredible unsatisfied with whatever you try to do. They want more black shows, so BET tries to give it to them, but they dog them and then don’t watch them. Instead they flock to shows like Basketball Wives. If you don’t watch the shows, they can’t get money to become more than low budget. And then, they criticize the hell out of the perception of black people on major network TV shows. I know I intend to tune in to their latest show, I don’t recall the name, with Joan Clayton and Theo Huxtable. Will you?
Which way is up here?
I think the same goes for Tyler Perry. While I am personally not a fan, he is NOT the enemy.The more people support Madea in the media, the more he gets paid to make her. If you had a problem with Madea and him dressing in drag, you’d stop supporting. But you don’t. You pay to watch the movie, or netflix it, or bootleg it, therefore showing him that this is a lucrative character. And even if House of Payne and Meet the Browns is a show that makes your skin cringe, what screen play did you write? What show did you script? What actors have you hired out of retirement?
So, this weekend I had a birthday. And Birthdays are bittersweet, I was soooo excited at one point and the next I was crying because I wasn’t where I wanted to be and this was my second single birthday. But after some self – pep talking and some convos with awesome people, I decided to focus on the positives.. Let’s see. What am I grateful for. What did 25 bring me?? AWESOMENESS !!!
1. New Job in NYC.
2. Acceptance into Grad School, in NYC
3. Trip to LA where I’ve always wanted to go
4. Trip to ATL where I’ve wanted to visit
5. Some awesome new people I didn’t know last year.
6. Job moving me to the campus closer to my house !!! (Technically this won’t happen until I’m 26, but still good news )
That’s 5, FIVE, memorable life changing things there. How could I have been foolish enough to focus on the negative-the biggest being single? Why? Because we are trained to think about what’s missing instead of whats good. Is being single great? Yes, at times. Its great to do what you want, when you want, without having to be overly concerned with someone elses feelings. But its also not great. You feel like your missing a companion, you don’t get laid regularly, you have to buy your own gifts on holidays, and you sleep alone most days-but is that worth ignoring all the other amazing things? By all means, NO!!
I think its time I start focusing on the positives. I do always try, but maybe not with all my heart , because its so hard-like I said, we are trained to think of life as a glass half empty instead of half full. But from today forward, I’m working on the other way. I’m taking charge of my life and making it a positive one, thinking positive got me this far!
Writing this blog made me think of something I have in my kitchen window:: the Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules for Living, more specifically-”When you lose, don’t lose the lesson” and “Remember, not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck” and these things are absolute truths! At first, I was sort of upset about having to commute to NYC when my job has NJ campuses so near my house, but I met some amazing people who I hope continue on this life journey with me. I also discovered a fashion sense I didn’t have before and appreciate NYC in a new way. I admit, I will kind of miss it, but I’ll still have to go for class.
Ok, I’m rambling. Lesson:: celebrate what you have, not dwell on what’s missing. Also, its not missing if you never had it
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I once had a friend who’s email address was love_less_j , funny because we weren’t even 21 when she had such an email address. Why would she call herself love_less before giving love a fighting chance in her life? Life had barely begun and she was naming her destiny..
The other night I was watching Khloe & Lamar on E (we all know their story-married within a month and focus of lots of media scrutinty) and it got me thinking about people who give themselves to love freely. I don’t think what they feel for each other is a TV spectacle. When Lamar cradled Khloe on the floor while she cried about her weight issues and comforted her, that was love !!
It bought my thoughts to a coworker I have. To start & because I believe in full disclosure, I think the girl is an idiot. But, in her personal life she is always “in love”. This is a girl who is getting flowers delivered to work on all the right holidays . In December she was in love with a guy in the army stationed overseas and then that ended and now she’s dating a fellow coworker. Who she “loves”. One day she left a letter she wrote to him up on a computer professing how this love is different and he makes her want to be a better her and that she has found her “true” king. After I barfed several times and poked fun at her naivete, I did some thinking.
Is there something to be said about the ability to trust in love and someone else easily? Are the rest of us too guarded? She seems entirely more happy than I feel sometimes. Are the rest of us really trying to “get to know” someone else or are we trying to shield ourselves and maintain control of the situations? Do you really need to know his mothers maiden name and his 3rd cousin Timmy before you love HIM (or her) the person? What’s wrong with following your feelings instead of your brain. Is getting hurt in love always a bad thing? Love is a special thing, but does special mean we only reserve it for 2-3 people in our romantic lives? Does special equate to exclusive? Are recipients who’ve received my love members of a secret society?
Shouldn’t it really be that what’s special about my love is that no one can love someone the way I do. The love I have for my lovers, friends, and family is unique to any love they share. And the way they love me back is different. Isn’t it better to have loved and lost?! There is something admirable in the ability to have faith in love. I hope I haven’t lost mine in being to scared to seem vulnerable. Isn’t that what we are all afraid of? Appearing weak? Appearing vulnerable to another person? Feeling like we got played?
Food for thought.
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Nostalgia can be a good thing sometimes. You know, reminiscing about the times when your family would get together and have that big yearly barbeque. Or the antics you and your friends got into high school. However, the other day I had some thoughts of nostalgia that left me sad. The thing with Mister Nostalgia is that it’s a gift and a curse.. Let me tell you my experience recently with old Mr. Nostalgia.
Last week I was having one of those self doubt filled weeks, questioning past decisions and if they were right and kinda feeling lonely. (I think all single girls have that feeling sometimes). Well, I got to thinking about my EX and just kinda missing the relationship we had. I think I miss the friendship over everything else. I was missing talking to him all the time. The someone to talk to about nothing all day with. I had those, “are you sure this isn’t the person for you thoughts and maybe after it all you guys will still be.” All these thoughts festered for awhile, maybe two days .. Then I started thinking about all the BAD things between me and said ex. Like him not going to my college graduation because he had to attend another girl that he was dating graduation. Or him having a young chick on the side for a few years and the various other things that happened in our tumultuous on and off 8 year relationship..
Do you see how nostalgia can be a bad things. Imagine if those feelings had been nurtured, I could have found myself making a phone call and getting caught back up in some bad news. Do I still miss the friendship, yes.. And slowly we work at having some semblance of friendship but its important, for my sanity and hearts sake, to be able to distinguish between what I miss. I don’t miss wondering why I wasn’t enough.. Or what he was doing if he didn’t answer the phone. I getting together or Sunday nights to watch True Blood and someone who liked to try new recipes with me sometimes and sharing new music and interesting news articles with .. And we do that sometimes, over twitter and facebook lol!!
Be careful with Mr. Nostalgia is all I’m saying.
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I’m completely obsessed with nail polish and designs these days. Especially ones I might be able to create myself. So, I read a tutorial on http://diynails.tumblr.com on how to do Cheetah Nails .. And decided to try it ..since I’m overly harsh I think my attempt sucked but I have to relax it was my first time and after doing further research, I needed a dipping tool (or toothpick) to make the spots .. I used a Qtip lol.. You live and you learn! Check them out!
I think next time I’m going with a lighter base coat, like tan, with pink cheetah dots and the black outline. For me the green spots are too close in color to the black .. And I was rushing so it smeared.
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Yesterday in an attempt to “eat healthier” a friend and I decided to go to Cosi for some salads or other “healthier” fare instead of our original pizza plan. I opted for a half soup/half salad combo. Tomato Basil soup and the Signature Salad with grapes, apples, mixed greens and gorgonzola cheese thinking I made the healthier choice by eating so light. I even got baby carrots as my side instead of chips.
So I went home to calculate how many PointsPlus this was. Healthy my ASS! Why was a side of soup 6 WW Points?!? And the salad 5 points?!? Pizza is only 4 points per slice (thin crust). How can some seemingly innocent food do such destruction?! I was really bothered, I felt like “damn, I shouldn’t have deprived myself of a little indulgence.” All of these “healthier” options are hiding calories somewhere. The Fuji Apple Chicken Salad @ Panera Bread? When I plugged their nutritional stats into my points calculator that was 10 points. -_- . How can a group of 0 point foods turn into a massive points buster?!?Dressing is like some serious liquid calories for that azz.
I mean, I know that in the end I did the right thing by not opting for the refined carby goodness that was pizza because I supplied my body with some good nutrients (I think with tomatoes and salad greens and carrots right) but when I’m tally up my point total for the day, its disheartening. *sigh* It makes me feel like you can’t win for losing..
It doesn’t help that I just love FOOD! I mean, everything about it. I think I was a chef in a past life or I’m slowly building up to being an amazing cook because food fascinates me. I love sitting in Barnes and browsing the food bible. I really do feeling like battling with food is like fighting an addiction. I scolded myself because I’m able to give up things like twitter, facebook, and even coffee (oh how I miss the smell), but I struggle with other food vices. I mean, food is essential to life and we should enjoy it right?!
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My site got hacked over the weekend .. Someone embedded some malicious code into a frame (???). Thankfully I was able to get someone to remove it (YAY!!) And now things are back to normal.. I was puzzled as to why someone would want to hack poor little me’s site .. Its not like I’m collecting credit card info or email addresses.. I just don’t get hackers, seriously.
I have to thank Jerry who actually did it! He probably doesn’t even read this stuff because he’s more into presidential grave sites than shoes and random rambling, but he was such a savior! I tried to look at the files where it might be hidden, but who was I kidding, I had NO idea what to look for! HA!
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My friend mentioned this to me some time ago, and we discussed the validity of it.. And will admit, I was skeptical, but willing. Partly, because in my perpetual diet since I was 17, they say if you give up something for 2 weeks, the cravings will go away. The will just ebb away.. So I guessed this followed the same principal. I just didn’t know of anything I wanted to make a habit that I could work into life at this time. Since I gave up Facebook and Twitter for lent I realized its true.
In the first few days (weeks) I was jonesing to tweet and update a status.. Or I was receiving texts about someone’s FB posts/pictures. But last week, about 20 something days into lent I realized those urges were dying, and I no longer jonesed so much for the thrill.. I’m serious, in the first few days I’d just go to the FB site and look at the log in page, fighting the temptation. Now, not so much. Do I miss it? YES and I’ll probably be fb’ing as soon as midnight strikes on Easter.. But I probably should see how long I can go without tweeting. The same for TV, once I got accustomed to not watching it, I don’t really think of it. I have days where I wonder about my favorite characters and I catch up, if possible, online.
What I would LOVE to be able to make part of my habit is working out. I’m so over “not having enough time.” While I do admit it is hard with my alternating work schedule and school to find time to actually GO to a gym, that shouldn’t stop me, so I got a BIKE. YES, a pedal bike. I was soooo excited to get this bike, I drove all the way to Yonkers after work to buy it from a coworker, and what happens on the days I try to ride? RAIN!!! Don’t worry though, I’m determined to get this bike on the road and as a vehicle to exercising regularly.
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The other day I spent most of the day perusing @jessdubb ‘s tumblr. And I saved sooo many different quotes and photos I felt inspired by. I’ve been a self proclaimed quote whore for many years now…
Yesterday I got the ultimate compliment from a close friend. We spend a sufficient amount of time together and yesterday we were doing one of our favorite Sunday activities: browsing the mall and having a delicious lunch. We talked about typical life stuff and I was feeling very “I can change my life and accomplish anything” having just finished The Travelers Gift. I kept sharing quotes I’d saved from jess’s tumblr and then I pulled out the book and let her read some. We had some good conversation about just our goals and how we want to change things. Later when we got home she sent me the following bbm:
“I had a good day friend. Very positive and motivating. Thank you.” For me, that was THE ultimate compliment. To bring someone else motivation through sharing things I’m passionate about.
So here are a few of the images I hijacked , after all sharing IS caring.
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the other morning I made my bbm status “can I hit it in the morning” (because I’ve been feeling the J.Cole and Drake song) and like 2 mins later my co-worker made his bbm status “fat girls shouldn’t have sex related bbm status (n) ”
This bothered me because 1. Subliminal messages are not respected. Was it Juelz Santana who said “if it aint directed directly at me I don’t respect it”? 2. Dude, if I’m fat, what does that make you, a chubby chaser? Hmmm.. And dude, when will you get that I REALLY am not defining myself by what YOU think of me.
I didn’t respond to him because I hate subliminals, therefore I’m not going to acknowledge that I may think you’re talking about me. I believe by responding to him, it would have been just the reaction he wanted. And he would have responded “if you think I’m talking about you then I am” I don’t like that he puts a facade into being my “friend.” The situation came up again later in the week when, at the bar with another coworker who I’m cool with, she tells me she told him that status was rude and people might take offense and he should take it down. He responds, “whatever I can say what I want and if u think xxxxxx feels it’s about her tell her to get her fat ass on the treadmill” when I saw that, it just turned my annoyance into fury. And I saw it, she LET me read the bbm, so it wasn’t hearsay.
I’ve faced the realization he isn’t a REAL friend long ago, and haven’t really been talking to him. But this incident, well, I’m completely over that. I don’t wanna be his friend, associate or whatever-not in a mean way but just in a you don’t exist to me kinda way. The reason is simple-I’m a genuine person and I like genuine people around me. I’m also a positive person in a sense that I always support my friends, this person never is supportive. This is same person who previously belittled my decision to go to graduate school for higher education. Who last week called me naïve because I supported a coworkers decision to report someone who was being unethical, instead of not being in favor of “tattling”
I seriously am bothered by him because he’s a MAN!! Aren’t men supposed to leave the petty comments and trash talking to women? And seriously dude? I’m mid-twenties-you think that’s the first fat joke I heard? That’s the equivalent of telling a person wearing glasses they are 4-eyed (been there, done that). Grow up dude. Stop being so bitchmade. #lessonlearned. I think this also addresses the issue that I feel strongly about, you can’t always befriend your coworkers. Yes, we can have work time to talk and chill but not every coworker should be invited too far into your personal life and I think many young professionals struggle with this, especially if they work around other young people. My office has staff mostly between ages of 23-30 and other departments have younger staff as well. Often I decline opportunities to go out for drinks oe hang because I still want to keep some lines drawn and I don’t ever want pics tagged from those chance outings on facebook. I informed a younger co-worker to cool out on posting too many pics of her out drinking and parlaying with other co-workers (or with friends for that matter) because things are so public. I google myself every few months to check my internet presence-both my name and my email I use for resumes and such. I want to make sure I have a clean internet presence.
Dope. Crazy. Perfectly Imperfect. I'm not the best writer and probably not the worst either, but I am happy while doing it. Stick with me and you'll never be bored! I mean, maybe you won't and maybe you will....
