Everyone’s favorite made-up consumer holiday is steadfastly approaching and I am trying to avoid all the sad eyes and “woe is me” eyes that people keep giving me. Honestly, I think other people are more concerned for my lack of Valentine than I am. . . I don’t remember if I was sad last year about not having a valentine, but I know this year I am NOT. And here is why I think it doesn’t matter…
Not to sound sound cocky, but I’m finally at a point where I realize I am single because I choose to be. Sure, I could be with someone right now, but I know deep down that they aren’t the match for me. I COULD be getting laid regularly, but I know that I want more than that. This is the first time I sat down and thought about what I want from a mate. I wrote it down in my trusting and non-tempermental BlackBerry *bbm eye roll* Care to know what’s on my list?
This is verbatim, I did add or delete anything, but I might refine it later ::
Full Disclosure
Someone I communicate with daily, not just texts and gchats. phone convos. Hell skype.
Honesty
Exclusivity
Emotional Support
Dating not just for dating – want someone who wants what I want, which is something long term. If it leads to the American Dream, awesome. But it has to feel natural and not forced.
Dates. Even if we decide on titles, we still go out on dates.
Once we have sex – lots of it!
I chuckled at myself for the last line. I don’t think I’m asking alot on my list. Note that I don’t have any physical demands. I don’t need him to be tall, dark and handsome – although it would for sure be a bonus. But I’m more into the character of a man than his outward appearance. Some of these things go hand in hand, isn’t honesty full disclosure? THAT my friends is maturity and why I’m not upset about Valentine’s day .. I also told my good friend that I am finally starting to see and appreciate my own value. And realized that I don’t have to look for things. Attract don’t chase. (Why did I have an urge to type YOLO???)
OH I googled my posts for Valentine’s Day and my last one was in 2010 (my first non-date Valentine’s Day since like HS ) and I wasn’t sad then….
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
This quote, by Winston Churchill, has been permeating my soul lately. I remember in the past saying my biggest fear was failure and I didn’t even have a concrete definition of failure. Was it failure to meet goals I set for myself or expectations that I think others may have imposed on me. What was this failure that I was so scared of. So, when I kept seeing this quote it stuck with me and I let it marinate – as I do with most things. And I started to question what exactly is my biggest fear.
Now, my big thing now is evolution. Evolving. change. My biggest fear today may not be my biggest fear next year. Just as my goals for this year as always changing. I realize the change whenI answer questions, I don’t say “I will NEVER do ____ blah blah “ instead I might say, “I don’t see that right now but who knows what the future will hold..” So right now, I do have a big fear of living a lonely life. Like to be older, unmarried, no kids, and no strong sense of family (frequent readers know that my family life isnt really close). I don’t want to grow up into an old cat lady. I am a firm believer in sharing your happiness, and I don’t want to be that new breed of “woman” that put so much into her career and getting ahead that she forgot to have a life (and sex!!).Right now, I am working on just being an all around good, nice person -which BTW I think I am lol.. so I just have to be patient and not worry too much about the future in that way. If you build it. It will come.
I’m super excited and super nervous and want to finish in good time. Not be the last fat ass across the finish line. I’m doing the June 2nd Spartan Sprint. Find out more info here: http://www.spartanrace.com/index.html
This really was a spur of the moment decision to sign up. I literally had never heard of the Spartan race before and by the end of the day not only had I signed up but it went viral in my small world! LOL. I had known two people who did mud runs last year but after talking about this, I discovered there were people around me who had done the ToughMudder run.. I’m now in an email group, trying to do the Workout of the Day’s that are sent… It’s exciting. Wish me Luck. I’ll keep you posted
I finally, finally completed my Dream Board. I don’t even want to tell you when I started it, but just know that it was stalled for so long because I put so much pressure on myself to make it “perfect.” But what is a perfect dream? Why do I have to have on dream? I remembered, “Yo, this is NOT permanent…Change as necessary.” This board is reflective of where I am now, what desires I have, the goals I want. Because because ultimately I want to be near a beach where I reside. The book and pen reflect my desire to get back to creativity, stretching my imagination. The fitness? self explanatory right?
I think this board is awesome. It’s my desktop saver. I wrote, what’s more important in lipstick on my bathroom mirror (I wonder how long it will last *shrug*).
I think this year is going to shape up so well. I think I might be optimistic again!!!
Pardon me as I’m still on this New Year Resolution thing and the concept of “RESOLVE”. What does it mean to make and keep a resolution, especially one rooted in change in oneself?
The other day I was sitting home being very self deprecating because I had already slipped up on one of my resolutions …
Left Brain: You suck. You couldn’t even stick it out for 2 full weeks? 8 days? 8 days is all you lasted, seriously?
Right Brain: Relax. Things happen. Take it easy. No Harm. You had a good time, no?
Heart: You really messed up. You know what you want, but you aren’t taking the steps to get there. What are you scared of?
Left Brain: You just don’t know what will power is. You don’t know how to stick to any goals. You really failed. SMH at you…
Right Brain: Life is Love. -Rev. Run
Well, you get the idea right? At some point in the night, I gave up and went to sleep. I said this isn’t good. I woke up, renewed and ready to face the challenge. Resolutions do NOT mean cold turkey. They do not mean if you slip up you can’t get back on the wagon. It’s like the age-old diet mentality, just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean you give up on eating healthy all together. You slip. You fall. You Try again. I resolved to give something up, it doesn’t mean that you give it up ON New Years Day or else. I really had to reconcile this idea of what it means to make a resolution. So of course I, being the firm student I am and believer that things need to be backed up, of course googled the definition of resolution. Among those found:
resolution: a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something. b) the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc. c) the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.
Never does it state to GIVE up something or that it is immediate. Notice words like course of action. method. procedure. determination! I was flawed in my thinking. I was putting myself into personal turmoil. I also read some other relevant articles to what I was going though and realized I was half assing. I was not being commited to the resolutions I was making. I was saying I wanted something but not putting the actions into place. I was saying I want to give up something but putting myself in environments to be easily tempted. I was not treating myself the way I should have. Again. I was flawed. So I did begin to ease up on myself. To take a step back and ask what I would tell someone else who wasn’t me. Plan your Change. Take Action. Don’t say one thing and do another. If you want to be more organized, BE more organized. By the organizers. Take the time to use them. Make habits.
Perfection is not just about control. It’s also about letting go. Surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience. Transcendence! Very few have it in them … The only person standing in your way is you. It’s time to let her go. Lose yourself.
I read this on Jess’s blog and it stood out to me. Mostly because yesterday we had the conversation where I revealed that I guess sometimes I’m scared to be myself. Myself being slightly neurotic and a complete over thinker. Most people don’t know that about me, because I always appear cool, calm and collected. And I tend to try to be. But inside my mind, things replay over and over and over. And I do like to typically think about things before I say or do them. But why don’t I want people to know I mull over things? I mean, that just makes me human right?
Then I was talking to Man on the Moon and I revealed that often the thing that we want the most is also the thing that we fear, and that was also applying to my life. I love talking to people where I’m really just talking and as I talk I’m coming to my own revelations. Friends are therapists indeed. I was telling him that I really want love. To be in a relationship. A real one. Getting to know someone, wanting to be engrossed in them as a person.. the fall. the friendship. the passion. But I also fear the experience. Being vulnerable, being open. Being hurt. Falling for someone and them not falling back.
All of this relates back to the quote in the fact that, no one told me I was neurotic or insane or hated me for it. I thought those things and think (thought) that people would dislike me for them, or judge me for them. I fear that I will fail at the thing I want or that the person won’t want it back. Has that happened to me in the past? Not in a way that I can strongly remember. I need to lose myself. Its a new way of saying what I’ve said before, “Don’t take yourself so seriousy…”
Random thoughts … that keep repeating. time to put the lesson to work. I think that is what my 2012 is meant to be about. Putting into action the lessons I’ve learned over the past 2 years. What is a lesson if you don’t apply it to life?
Whenever I have a strong reaction to something, I try to figure out why.. I usually find that whenever I’m upset with something it stems from some major issue I probably haven’t gotten over in life. . So why would I care to write about this. Yesterday was my buildings Secret Santa exchange .. rather than type up a full summar I’m going to take pieces from GChat to show my true reaction of what happened::
OMG i am bout to sound so ungrateful
but we did our office secret santa today and like everyone had to write down 3 things they wanted i wrote down nail polish, sephora gift card, and ipad charger … do u know what i got?
a snowflake votive candle
it was a 15 dollar limit thing
like from the dollar store
i got my person a amazon gift card from amazon Person :: A votive candle :-/ me: one
a t that
not even a whole fucking set Person: Well maybe your person had fallen on hard times. me: um
and it was optional
you didn’t have to be in it
so if you on hard times maybe you should have declined participation Person: Well…I tried. She forgot lol me: im annoyed man
we work across the street from walgreens
u coulda ran over and got any kinda gc
this is why i don’t get in the Xmas spirit
when i try to
someone comes along and just fucks shit up Person: Don’t be like thaaaaat
Its just office ppl, not real ppl me: woo sah
i k now
but i mean
we are reall people
like wtf is the point of a list if ur not going to follow it
they make us do lists to avoid shit like this Person: Calm down J.
OK .. so later on .. I was still fuming about it .. and then I thought why did this bother me so much .. and this is probably going to make me sound like such a loser or w hatever .. but I was kinda excited for my small little thing because I’m not going to have any other Christmas gifts .. or because there isn’t another realll expression of Christmas going on for me .. I think I teared up a little bit typing that .. Like, I don’t expect anything from my grandmother because she’s not financially able and my grandfather isn’t a Christmas person .. in the past I always had the BF who exhanged gifts with me.. and I mean, I’m not saying Xmas is all about the gifts ..because its not .. but idk.. Chirstmas Day for me is going to kinda just be another day. Wake up. Pack. Have dinner with some family. I guess I got myself a little excited about seeing someone excited from something I got them that I’d want someone to bring me that kind of small excitement.
But I won’t let it steal my spirit. I’m excited to see my coworkers reaction to my small tokens of appreciation for them tomorrow. And just be over it .. but now I know why I reacted so strongly .. * sigh * I had my bratty moment . It also probably didn’t help that the person isn’t someone who’s my favorite person in the building. But next time, please stick my list bitch.
Yesterday I read this very thought provoking article called, “You Can’t Marry a Hot Vampire”. The article starts with saying how there was another article that made the assertion that romance novels are to women what as pornography is to men, that they work the same because they are rooted in illusion. Interesting right? But WTF does that have to do with Vampires?
So, the author then talks about how Twilight is the penultimate in romantic / emotional porn for women because of what it stands for. You have a woman who has two different archetypes of the embodiment of the type of man women want. You have Edward, the “Prince Charming”- he’s well-bred, polite and sensitive with an air of danger (to quote the article). Then you have Jacob (the HOT Taylor Lautner) who is the “Barbarian Prince” -He’s wild, passionate, fun loving, adventurous – uncivlized yet alluring. Two men who are anything a girl could ever want, right? What the articles central point was is that
“In the same way that pornography creates false expectations for physical intimacy, Twilight creates false expectations for relational intimacy. It tells girls it is not unreasonable for them to expect to be hotly pursued by the two most desirable guys they know. It tells them their relationships should be defined by all-consuming passion from Day One. And it tells them their future boyfriends/husbands need not necessarily be “human,” but rather anthropomorphized checklists of masculine ideals.”
He pretty much asserts that women have traded marriage for myth … I think this is interesting.
I will be the first to admit that I romanticize things, in my head. However, to the world I’m always sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. But the article is kind of true. It’s like that episode of Sex and the City where they call Charlotte out about her “urban relationship myths” and how it’s always a friend of a friend of a friend, whose man came to his senses, left his wife and they moved to the suburbs and lived happily ever after. But does that stop us from dealing with the emotionally unavailable guy in hopes that he’ll realize that with us his world will change? But is Twilight and its romantic ideals any different from the millions of movies we watch? I am not alone if loving a great romantic comedy, and don’t we almost always finish it up with, “I wish I could find a love like that.” We all wish we could be shopaholics who find a millionaire who loves us despite the fact that we pretty much lied about who we were for our whole courtship (or whatever you call it in 2011).
What’s wrong with fantasy? Is romance as foreign as a wizard academy? What does Harry Potter stand for? Are we telling people that all these movies about triump and discovery are bullshit too? Aren’t we encouraged to have imagination and to live our wildest dreams? In The Last Lecture Randy Pausch talks about not letting go of your childhood and how imagination gets your everywhere. I refuse to give up romantic ideals and settle in reality. I have to believe that my “Prince” is out there or else I have to resolve to the fear that it might be a long lonely life!
Did you know that you inherently speak three different languages? Yes, its true. Or at least I do. My head speaks English. And it understands cause and affect among other rational thoughts. My heart speaks spanish. It’s confusing. If you don’t use it, you kinda forget it. It has all these verbs that need conjugating. And my vagina speaks English. But not traditional English like my head. It’s more of how Audrey II , the plant from Little Shop of Horrors speaks English. Without really knowing consequences or about feelings. Got it? Ok Good…
Why am I talking about this? Honestly? I have no idea, the thought just came to me. But I think its valid given my current situation. I feel like when I’m impatient (or really horny) I have 3 different people speaking to me. My head is of course the rational one, at times. My head reinforces the idea of not settling and being cautious. It wants to rationalize all my actions and determine how they fit in the bigger picture.
The heart speaks spanish, the language of love. Which of course is perfect. The language that if you don’t use it, you lose it. Practice makes perfect and my heart has a desire to practice. Starting from within. But lately, it’s been craving someone else to speak the language to. My heart is saying who cares about the bigger picture, indulge me. I need to practice counting to 100. Or at least 50. Mi cabeza no tiene que.
Be patient young heart. Run free (Candi Staton reference)
And my vagina. Oh my impatient vag. It’s safe to say that I’m super horny, and my horniness has no use for courting, dating, love and patience. It wants to get laid and it wants to get laid now. What does love have to do with the orgasm or the act of sex? It shouts FEED ME just like Audrey II! She screams a little louder after a few sips of wine, hoping that the head and heart have dropped their guard. No matter what anyone tells you, there isn’t enough masturbation to replace the real thing.
But really, what is sex without emotions. I’m a firm believer that women cannot really separate sex from emotions. As much as I’m hopeful about finding love, if I’m really honest with myself (and you) I’m really scared of being vulnerable. It’s hard to open up, truly open up to the idea of having someone emotionally involved again.. While the idea of being in love and giddy is appealing, I have no idea how to get there. Like does the princess really have to kiss frogs before finding her prince? WHY? Where is the Love and LIfe for Dummies book when you need it?
Its weird that typing a blog entry while sitting on my laptop doesn’t feel natural anymore?
I think I lost my sense of self somewhere back between spring and summer. I think it got lost in the self scrutiny and criticalness I’ve been having of myself. Some days I go through the motions, but I’m just not me. I put the smile on and I carry on my day, but its not there. I’ve also become someone who starts things and doesn’t finish them. That’s soo NOT me! Even this blog entry was started and stopped several times.
I feel more cynical. More jaded. Less joyous about the world. This isn’t me. Hasn’t been me. Why now? What’s caused me to lose sight of positivity?
I’ve been spending a lot of time alone. Even in the presence of friends and family I’m alone in my thoughts. Planning and wondering how to get to the next point, but I don’t even know what that next point is. And before I can focus on the next point shouldn’t I be enjoying where I currently am?
Let’s see:
I’m blessed beyond belief. I cannot deny this. I can’t say I have an awful life by any means. I’m grateful to be where I am in life. I feel this in all my heart but my mind doesn’t believe it.
I’m hoping writing this all down makes it more real and forces me to address it.
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I once had a friend who’s email address was love_less_j , funny because we weren’t even 21 when she had such an email address. Why would she call herself love_less before giving love a fighting chance in her life? Life had barely begun and she was naming her destiny..
The other night I was watching Khloe & Lamar on E (we all know their story-married within a month and focus of lots of media scrutinty) and it got me thinking about people who give themselves to love freely. I don’t think what they feel for each other is a TV spectacle. When Lamar cradled Khloe on the floor while she cried about her weight issues and comforted her, that was love !!
It bought my thoughts to a coworker I have. To start & because I believe in full disclosure, I think the girl is an idiot. But, in her personal life she is always “in love”. This is a girl who is getting flowers delivered to work on all the right holidays . In December she was in love with a guy in the army stationed overseas and then that ended and now she’s dating a fellow coworker. Who she “loves”. One day she left a letter she wrote to him up on a computer professing how this love is different and he makes her want to be a better her and that she has found her “true” king. After I barfed several times and poked fun at her naivete, I did some thinking.
Is there something to be said about the ability to trust in love and someone else easily? Are the rest of us too guarded? She seems entirely more happy than I feel sometimes. Are the rest of us really trying to “get to know” someone else or are we trying to shield ourselves and maintain control of the situations? Do you really need to know his mothers maiden name and his 3rd cousin Timmy before you love HIM (or her) the person? What’s wrong with following your feelings instead of your brain. Is getting hurt in love always a bad thing? Love is a special thing, but does special mean we only reserve it for 2-3 people in our romantic lives? Does special equate to exclusive? Are recipients who’ve received my love members of a secret society?
Shouldn’t it really be that what’s special about my love is that no one can love someone the way I do. The love I have for my lovers, friends, and family is unique to any love they share. And the way they love me back is different. Isn’t it better to have loved and lost?! There is something admirable in the ability to have faith in love. I hope I haven’t lost mine in being to scared to seem vulnerable. Isn’t that what we are all afraid of? Appearing weak? Appearing vulnerable to another person? Feeling like we got played?
Food for thought.
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Nostalgia can be a good thing sometimes. You know, reminiscing about the times when your family would get together and have that big yearly barbeque. Or the antics you and your friends got into high school. However, the other day I had some thoughts of nostalgia that left me sad. The thing with Mister Nostalgia is that it’s a gift and a curse.. Let me tell you my experience recently with old Mr. Nostalgia.
Last week I was having one of those self doubt filled weeks, questioning past decisions and if they were right and kinda feeling lonely. (I think all single girls have that feeling sometimes). Well, I got to thinking about my EX and just kinda missing the relationship we had. I think I miss the friendship over everything else. I was missing talking to him all the time. The someone to talk to about nothing all day with. I had those, “are you sure this isn’t the person for you thoughts and maybe after it all you guys will still be.” All these thoughts festered for awhile, maybe two days .. Then I started thinking about all the BAD things between me and said ex. Like him not going to my college graduation because he had to attend another girl that he was dating graduation. Or him having a young chick on the side for a few years and the various other things that happened in our tumultuous on and off 8 year relationship..
Do you see how nostalgia can be a bad things. Imagine if those feelings had been nurtured, I could have found myself making a phone call and getting caught back up in some bad news. Do I still miss the friendship, yes.. And slowly we work at having some semblance of friendship but its important, for my sanity and hearts sake, to be able to distinguish between what I miss. I don’t miss wondering why I wasn’t enough.. Or what he was doing if he didn’t answer the phone. I getting together or Sunday nights to watch True Blood and someone who liked to try new recipes with me sometimes and sharing new music and interesting news articles with .. And we do that sometimes, over twitter and facebook lol!!
Be careful with Mr. Nostalgia is all I’m saying.
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Sooo … In case you guys don’t know this about me I say some pretty ridiculous things, pretty often. You ever see the show, Kids Say the Dardnest Things? No, me neither since it was before my time, but I heard about it… but that’s me .. So here are some snapshots of random things I said while on my Virgin Voyage to Cali with @HollywoodHeat and E-BFF @Jess_Dubb, my two favorite strangers (who I guess aren’t strangers anymore)…
“Its warm and gooey and you bite into it! How is he gonna make that analogy!!”
J:I can only wink when I’m up to something devious.
J2: uh so what were u up to when you winked at that little girl?!
J: I wanted to scare her.
“That looks like the guy who raped charolotte King”
L: I don’t like Waffles, take that black people!
J: you lie! Waffles are Belgian!!!
J: what’s a male version of a shiksa? J2: a shikso?
The other day or last week me and a friend were having a conversation over Gchat .. and I decided to blog it .. rather than explain it and all that, just check it out::
A: so right, my new co-worker told me that I seem unapproachable. Like when Im walking around and stuff, and I look mean until I start talking to someone and then I look happy and good .. but that she was kind of nervous to talk to me .. .and then she sat with me last week for training and she’s like you know then I really realized ur really nice and funny and stuff
I dont seem unapproachable do i?
is it cuz I’m light skin?
B: lmao. I think its cus your black
A: lol but she’s black too
B: Real talk though, I think part of it has to do with the fact that you/we have this “woman on a mission” look/walk/way about us, that may make us seem unapproachable
that doesnt matter
I’ve had a black person tell me the same thing
A: thats true .. i do have a “woman about my business walk” lol
B: told ya! and your a cutie, so maybe she thought you thought you were “too good” or something
you literally have to go out of your way to say hi to everyone and damn near smile as you walk. lol
A: its true! you have to like be this walking smiling mannequin .. but like who the hell just walks and smiles?
B: heres the kicker though. (I’ve being giving this some thought)What do ppl really think would happen to them if they approached you, especially in the work place??
do they really expect you to give the stereotypical eye roll, head dance attitude?
A: this is true .. like do they expect a sigh and a head nod and for you to keep it moving? I think its a cop out for people being nervous sometimes .. like don’t blame it on me .. just say, “I was new and nervous about my first impressions. ..”or whatever
B: right!!!I can KINDA see guys feeling like they might get shut down
(had a dude that I thought was hella fine at my job tell me that)
but I dont think we run into that problem with older guys (as Ive been approached, even if its just to say hi, by older guys at my job)
women, are a different story though.
A: yeah I agree … men, especially older are diff .. one guy just walks past my office and says hello .. i can’t even remember his name .. just whenver he’s in my building .. women are diff .. which is why I was happy that I started work the same time as another girl so it kinda broke the ice
and almost everyone in my office is under 30 ..
** I might have to blog this ** lol
B: go for it!!!!
its definitely a issue that I think a lot of females face. On the opposite end, do you approach 20 something new black females, at random or not?
A: I always introduce myself to people when t hey start .. and try to make converation, ask where’d they work before .. get a feeel for them
———-
What do you guys think? Has this been something you’ve faced / encountered? Is this real? Why do people judge you off how you walk around?
The other day I made my first reference to my next big birthday, 30! OMG I can’t believe I’m already thinking of 30! WTF! I remember being 16 and saying the perfect age was 22. And I just celebrated my 25th. Sheesh. WOW.
Here’s how the scenario went. I was in the shower, just doing some idle shower thinking (I tend to come up with some novel ideas and premises while showering). And I thought of getting Lasik, and I said “I’ll get Lasik for my 30th birthday gift to myself” Like, it wasn’t even a second thought. I’m miffed. It’s official. I’m old. When did this happen?
I didn’t even get nostalgic when I referenced it. It didn’t hit me until 3 days later when I mentioned it to a friend. I was like woah, did I just say When I turn 30??? I have several friends who are closer to 3o (or past 30) and I totally adore them. I mean, I still have some years to go and I hope to pack them full of interesting and life fulfilling events. I am looking forward to the next few years. I expect BIG things for myself!
Dope. Crazy. Perfectly Imperfect. I'm not the best writer and probably not the worst either, but I am happy while doing it. Stick with me and you'll never be bored! I mean, maybe you won't and maybe you will....
Everyone’s favorite made-up consumer holiday is steadfastly approaching and I am trying to avoid all the sad eyes and “woe is me” eyes that people keep giving me. Honestly, I think other people are more concerned for my lack of Valentine than I am. . . I don’t remember if I was sad last year about not having a valentine, but I know this year I am NOT. And here is why I think it doesn’t matter…
Pardon me as I’m still on this New Year Resolution thing and the concept of “RESOLVE”. What does it mean to make and keep a resolution, especially one rooted in change in oneself?
