December 9, 2011
I read a lot about Geminis. I’m born on the cusp on Gemini/ Taurus but I’ve always identified as a Gemini.. I’ve learned that your perception of yourself is largely shaped by how you identify yourself. Anybodiessign, so much of the literature on Geminis focuses on their need for mental stimulation, and I definitely have that trait. If there is one muscle in my body that gets used, its my brain. I love to read, observe, and do all types of things that give me new knowledge. It’s probably why when I do learn something new I can obsess over it. It’s why I need not only an emotional partner in life but an intellectual one.
Before Thanksgiving I met up with THEE ex, and I could have sat there talking for hours. I mean we talked about everything: Music (can you name 3 T.I albums?), family, the falsehood of the American home ownership dream, everything. We didn’t always see eye to eye but the sport of debate and conversation was thrilling. It felt good to exercise my mental prowess. I’m still thinking of points to things we talked about. Its tough missing that. In this dating world that I’m in, its hard to find someone who may not be turned off my all my “intellectual” talk. I was once discouraged from putting it upfront that I work, go to school, and volunteer because it can be intimidating. HUH?!? But I’m proud of these things, and this is my day to day life, how can I avoid talking about it. Its tough. So I loved that I had that stimulating experience to remind me that I can’t live without it.
What’s one of the biggest ways to constantly challenge your mind? Change. If there is one thing in life that is constant, its change. That’s the saying right? I thirst for change. Not the radical dye my hair pink kind of change (well maybe in some ways but that’s another story..) But the kind of change that causes you to grow and challenges your psyche.
My desire for change and my quality for fixating on ideas have brought back to the forefront of my mind the challenge of moving to California. This is something I WANT. I can’t explain enough how I’d be disappointed if my whole life centered around a narrow experience. I look up jobs, condos, apartments and all those things periodically to see what opportunities exist in CA that I see myself in. Despite the dismal fiscal outlook for CA right now I still think I”l find a job in my field. I can’t explain the pull of Cali on me.. Something about it draws me, appeals to me. They say go with your gut – and I want to. However, I have to remind myself now isn’t the time, but I’m working on a plan. I want to finish my degree here at NYU and have my tuition reimbursed from my job (which takes 2 years after degree competition). It seems so far away but can it be done by 2015 (also known as the year I turn 30-WOW)? I wonder if its worth waiting for my job to reimburse my tuition 100%. I mean is the cost of higher loan payments worth putting dreams on hold? On the other hand (another gemini trait-indecisiveness) isn’t it the adult thing to wait until things are RIGHT? What is RIGHT? What does that mean? And why do I feel the need to finish at NYU? Its not about the credentialing, however I do feel that its important given my background and desire for growth.. I want to move and not be in a pay check to paycheck situation. Now is the time to begin saving, planning & minimizing. I’m working on shedding my attachment to THINGS! things will hold you back, trust me. By things I mean – cars, bags, shoes- alleged american status symbols, feel me?
Ok, let me bring this back. In spite of everything I have currently going on, my desire for change and learning causes me to become bored, how is that possible? Is it due to the over activity of my gemini mind or just a real feel of outgrowing where I’m at now?
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November 23, 2011
The holidays are upon us again. I think I’ve made it no secret that the holidays are a tough time of year for me. Why?
This concept of FAMILY. What does it mean? Most would lead you to believe family is blood. Family are the genial relatives who make you feel worse about yourself sometimes before you feel better. But think of SATC. Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte were a family, no? Were they not there for each other through good, bad, up, down, left, right and upside down? The Holidays always force me to face the reality of what I define as my family and make me choose between spending time with my “family” and my FAMILY.
The other day I worked myself into a tizzy thinking about my Thanksgiving plans. I started thinking about myself and my grandmother and how my aunt or any of my cousins hadn’t reached out to me to see if I had Thanksgiving plans. For those new hear, I am an only child. I grew up pretty close to my cousins and my aunt. But I lived with my grandmother. I’m from small 1.2 sq mile town where nothing is far from anything. Ever since I “got grown” and started my life away from that small town, I feel like an outsider around these people I grew up with.
Anywho.. Yeah.. I got mad! Why didn’t I reach out to her? Well I had no contacts! And I also think its kind of rude to call someone and say, “hey, what are you cooking so I can come over? And oh, what should I bring?”But it wasn’t just the fact that it was her. It was NO ONE hit me up. Even my grandmother got a little out the holiday spirit when I told her I wasn’t going to Virginia to spend with her and her siblings. Instead I’ll be spending the holiday with some of my long time friends and feeling more at home with them than with my own family. However, the super domesticated part of me would rather be in the kitchen cooking with loved ones vs. just showing up. Next year I’m hosting dinner at my house. I’ve decided. With people who I hold true and dear to me. NO more being a passenger on this holiday ride, time to shape my own destiny and create my own traditions, right?
I feel like I’m rambling.
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May 25, 2011
So, this weekend I had a birthday. And Birthdays are bittersweet, I was soooo excited at one point and the next I was crying because I wasn’t where I wanted to be and this was my second single birthday. But after some self – pep talking and some convos with awesome people, I decided to focus on the positives.. Let’s see. What am I grateful for. What did 25 bring me?? AWESOMENESS !!!
1. New Job in NYC.
2. Acceptance into Grad School, in NYC
3. Trip to LA where I’ve always wanted to go
4. Trip to ATL where I’ve wanted to visit
5. Some awesome new people I didn’t know last year.
6. Job moving me to the campus closer to my house !!! (Technically this won’t happen until I’m 26, but still good news )
That’s 5, FIVE, memorable life changing things there. How could I have been foolish enough to focus on the negative-the biggest being single? Why? Because we are trained to think about what’s missing instead of whats good. Is being single great? Yes, at times. Its great to do what you want, when you want, without having to be overly concerned with someone elses feelings. But its also not great. You feel like your missing a companion, you don’t get laid regularly, you have to buy your own gifts on holidays, and you sleep alone most days-but is that worth ignoring all the other amazing things? By all means, NO!!
I think its time I start focusing on the positives. I do always try, but maybe not with all my heart , because its so hard-like I said, we are trained to think of life as a glass half empty instead of half full. But from today forward, I’m working on the other way. I’m taking charge of my life and making it a positive one, thinking positive got me this far!
Writing this blog made me think of something I have in my kitchen window:: the Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules for Living, more specifically-”When you lose, don’t lose the lesson” and “Remember, not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck” and these things are absolute truths! At first, I was sort of upset about having to commute to NYC when my job has NJ campuses so near my house, but I met some amazing people who I hope continue on this life journey with me. I also discovered a fashion sense I didn’t have before and appreciate NYC in a new way. I admit, I will kind of miss it, but I’ll still have to go for class.
Ok, I’m rambling. Lesson:: celebrate what you have, not dwell on what’s missing. Also, its not missing if you never had it
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May 5, 2011
I once had a friend who’s email address was love_less_j , funny because we weren’t even 21 when she had such an email address. Why would she call herself love_less before giving love a fighting chance in her life? Life had barely begun and she was naming her destiny..
The other night I was watching Khloe & Lamar on E (we all know their story-married within a month and focus of lots of media scrutinty) and it got me thinking about people who give themselves to love freely. I don’t think what they feel for each other is a TV spectacle. When Lamar cradled Khloe on the floor while she cried about her weight issues and comforted her, that was love !!
It bought my thoughts to a coworker I have. To start & because I believe in full disclosure, I think the girl is an idiot. But, in her personal life she is always “in love”. This is a girl who is getting flowers delivered to work on all the right holidays . In December she was in love with a guy in the army stationed overseas and then that ended and now she’s dating a fellow coworker. Who she “loves”. One day she left a letter she wrote to him up on a computer professing how this love is different and he makes her want to be a better her and that she has found her “true” king. After I barfed several times and poked fun at her naivete, I did some thinking.
Is there something to be said about the ability to trust in love and someone else easily? Are the rest of us too guarded? She seems entirely more happy than I feel sometimes. Are the rest of us really trying to “get to know” someone else or are we trying to shield ourselves and maintain control of the situations? Do you really need to know his mothers maiden name and his 3rd cousin Timmy before you love HIM (or her) the person? What’s wrong with following your feelings instead of your brain. Is getting hurt in love always a bad thing? Love is a special thing, but does special mean we only reserve it for 2-3 people in our romantic lives? Does special equate to exclusive? Are recipients who’ve received my love members of a secret society?
Shouldn’t it really be that what’s special about my love is that no one can love someone the way I do. The love I have for my lovers, friends, and family is unique to any love they share. And the way they love me back is different. Isn’t it better to have loved and lost?! There is something admirable in the ability to have faith in love. I hope I haven’t lost mine in being to scared to seem vulnerable. Isn’t that what we are all afraid of? Appearing weak? Appearing vulnerable to another person? Feeling like we got played?
Food for thought.
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April 17, 2011
I’m completely obsessed with nail polish and designs these days. Especially ones I might be able to create myself. So, I read a tutorial on http://diynails.tumblr.com on how to do Cheetah Nails .. And decided to try it ..since I’m overly harsh I think my attempt sucked but I have to relax it was my first time and after doing further research, I needed a dipping tool (or toothpick) to make the spots .. I used a Qtip lol.. You live and you learn! Check them out!
I think next time I’m going with a lighter base coat, like tan, with pink cheetah dots and the black outline. For me the green spots are too close in color to the black .. And I was rushing so it smeared. 
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April 14, 2011
Yesterday in an attempt to “eat healthier” a friend and I decided to go to Cosi for some salads or other “healthier” fare instead of our original pizza plan. I opted for a half soup/half salad combo. Tomato Basil soup and the Signature Salad with grapes, apples, mixed greens and gorgonzola cheese thinking I made the healthier choice by eating so light. I even got baby carrots as my side instead of chips.
So I went home to calculate how many PointsPlus this was. Healthy my ASS! Why was a side of soup 6 WW Points?!? And the salad 5 points?!? Pizza is only 4 points per slice (thin crust). How can some seemingly innocent food do such destruction?! I was really bothered, I felt like “damn, I shouldn’t have deprived myself of a little indulgence.” All of these “healthier” options are hiding calories somewhere. The Fuji Apple Chicken Salad @ Panera Bread? When I plugged their nutritional stats into my points calculator that was 10 points. -_- . How can a group of 0 point foods turn into a massive points buster?!?Dressing is like some serious liquid calories for that azz.
I mean, I know that in the end I did the right thing by not opting for the refined carby goodness that was pizza because I supplied my body with some good nutrients (I think with tomatoes and salad greens and carrots right) but when I’m tally up my point total for the day, its disheartening. *sigh* It makes me feel like you can’t win for losing..
It doesn’t help that I just love FOOD! I mean, everything about it. I think I was a chef in a past life or I’m slowly building up to being an amazing cook because food fascinates me. I love sitting in Barnes and browsing the food bible. I really do feeling like battling with food is like fighting an addiction. I scolded myself because I’m able to give up things like twitter, facebook, and even coffee (oh how I miss the smell), but I struggle with other food vices. I mean, food is essential to life and we should enjoy it right?!
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My site got hacked over the weekend .. Someone embedded some malicious code into a frame (???). Thankfully I was able to get someone to remove it (YAY!!) And now things are back to normal.. I was puzzled as to why someone would want to hack poor little me’s site .. Its not like I’m collecting credit card info or email addresses.. I just don’t get hackers, seriously.
I have to thank Jerry who actually did it! He probably doesn’t even read this stuff because he’s more into presidential grave sites than shoes and random rambling, but he was such a savior! I tried to look at the files where it might be hidden, but who was I kidding, I had NO idea what to look for! HA!
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April 12, 2011
My friend mentioned this to me some time ago, and we discussed the validity of it.. And will admit, I was skeptical, but willing. Partly, because in my perpetual diet since I was 17, they say if you give up something for 2 weeks, the cravings will go away. The will just ebb away.. So I guessed this followed the same principal. I just didn’t know of anything I wanted to make a habit that I could work into life at this time. Since I gave up Facebook and Twitter for lent I realized its true.
In the first few days (weeks) I was jonesing to tweet and update a status.. Or I was receiving texts about someone’s FB posts/pictures. But last week, about 20 something days into lent I realized those urges were dying, and I no longer jonesed so much for the thrill.. I’m serious, in the first few days I’d just go to the FB site and look at the log in page, fighting the temptation. Now, not so much. Do I miss it? YES and I’ll probably be fb’ing as soon as midnight strikes on Easter.. But I probably should see how long I can go without tweeting. The same for TV, once I got accustomed to not watching it, I don’t really think of it. I have days where I wonder about my favorite characters and I catch up, if possible, online.
What I would LOVE to be able to make part of my habit is working out. I’m so over “not having enough time.” While I do admit it is hard with my alternating work schedule and school to find time to actually GO to a gym, that shouldn’t stop me, so I got a BIKE. YES, a pedal bike. I was soooo excited to get this bike, I drove all the way to Yonkers after work to buy it from a coworker, and what happens on the days I try to ride? RAIN!!! Don’t worry though, I’m determined to get this bike on the road and as a vehicle to exercising regularly.
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March 10, 2011
OMG this story is disturbing. Let’s not only look at the gist of it: several MEN sexually assaulted an 11 year old girl. Adults and teens. People much older than the 11 year old!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41993963/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/
What disturbs me most about this article is this quote::
Residents who live nearby told The Associated Press this week that they had seen the girl, dressed provocatively and in makeup, hanging out near the area both before and after Nov. 28. Some in the town expressed doubts about the case, even suggesting authorities should consider culpability on the part of the girl.
“Maturity or not I’m pretty sure she knew what she was doing,” Robin Smith, 24, a cashier in Cleveland, said as she shopped this week.
Why is it so common for people to try and crminalize the victim. Even if this girl dressed provocatively (a diff matter) that excuses MEN from raping her? She led them on? She’s fucking 11. I’m too through with this. Disgusted.
If I had been permitted to tweet, this definitely would have been posted because my stomach turned.
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So, this year for lent I’m giving up twitter and facebook. Shoot me now.
People asked me why and I just asked, What Would Jesus Do? And then said Let me be great! Lol
So I’m going to do a post (hopefully daily) on things I would have tweeted about..
1. Whatever happened to that movie where 50 cent was looking real crackish?
2. Grrrr NJTransit. They don’t realize the impact of their tardiness and or inconveniences-for instance, just pulling into a different track can make someone miss their connecting train. >:/
3. “Got my Mac Notebook with my ProTools!” Yaaayyy! Picked up my new laptop from NYU! Woop Woop!
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March 7, 2011
Yesterday someone said to me, “are you gaining weight?”
That single sentence almost ruined my day. To start I thought I looked quite chic that day in my attire. And while I hadn’t lost any weight my scale also hasn’t moved up. So, I was devastated. Isn’t this question tied with number one for “Questions not to ask women?” Along with ‘how old are you?”
I had just had a conversation the previous day where someone said “but you don’t need to lose weight” and I had to explain that its not about there being bigger people in the world, its a matter of physical satisfaction with oneself, which I do not have. I mean, how is that a statement to offer someone solace, “Don’t worry, there are fatter people out there.” Soo.. I should just be happy being on the slim side of fat? #thanksbutnothanks.
Do I know that? Does it make me feel better when I look in the mirror naked? Yes and no respectively. Weight loss is HARD, especially when your like me and have little discipline and even less time on your plate. Even without making excuses, weight is a sensitive subject that I usually only discuss with those close to me, am I alone?
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January 26, 2011
The other day I made my first reference to my next big birthday, 30! OMG I can’t believe I’m already thinking of 30! WTF! I remember being 16 and saying the perfect age was 22. And I just celebrated my 25th. Sheesh. WOW.
Here’s how the scenario went. I was in the shower, just doing some idle shower thinking (I tend to come up with some novel ideas and premises while showering). And I thought of getting Lasik, and I said “I’ll get Lasik for my 30th birthday gift to myself” Like, it wasn’t even a second thought. I’m miffed. It’s official. I’m old. When did this happen?
I didn’t even get nostalgic when I referenced it. It didn’t hit me until 3 days later when I mentioned it to a friend. I was like woah, did I just say When I turn 30??? I have several friends who are closer to 3o (or past 30) and I totally adore them. I mean, I still have some years to go and I hope to pack them full of interesting and life fulfilling events. I am looking forward to the next few years. I expect BIG things for myself!
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January 23, 2011
My colleague posted this photo to her Facebook account today and I immediately tagged myself in it. I think its extremely thought provoking and I need to go to the racism exhibit she visited in Boston this weekend. She mentioned how they had a part of the exhibit where they took people of different ethnic/racial backgrounds and changed their skin tone but none of their features to see how people would identify them. According to her the results will shock you. It led to an interesting discussion on bone structure and racial identity.
Racial identity is something I think about, probably because me and my friends joke that I’m racially ambiguous, but I identify as a young, black woman. Whenever someone asks “What are you?” and I reply, “I’m just black” they are never satisfied with that answer and then pressure me to “admit it, you’re something else” Or they might even say, “Well you mom and dad might be, but their parents aren’t.” I know that I don’t look “just black” but it bothers me that people don’t accept that answer from me, because being black, you’re blessed with being so versatile and beautiful at any shade.
Here’s a rare photo of me:
I think that a large part of racial identity depends on your upbringing. Sure, I may be mixed but I was raised in a “black” household, with black grandparents and a black family, so being black is ALL I know. I get tired of people trying to place me in a check box. I do not check other or bi-racial on my census forms, I check BLACK, not of Hispanic origin (because that’s important I guess)
Posted in eternal reflections | Tags: america, racism, random | 3 Comments »
November 16, 2010
Hijacked from Dubb who hijacked it from someone else … OH the wonderful world of blogging!
5 famous people you’d like to meet.
* Warren Buffett
* Steve Jobs
* Janet Jackson
* Toni Morrison
* Kanye West (yeah i said it)
5 books that affected your life.
* the coming of age in Mississippi – Ann Moody
* eat, pray, love – Elizabeth Gilbert
* Why we Can’t Wait – Dr. Martin Luther King
* The Bluest Eye – Toni Morrison
* Eyewitness Auschwitz: Three Years in the Gas Chambers – Filip Muller
5 favorite movies.
* grease
* Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
* The Nightmare Before Christmas
* The 5th Element
* Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
5 addictions.
* reading
* shoes
* gourmet jelly beans
* eye liner
* Benihana’s lunch special
5 things that turn you On.
* nice large hands
* well read
* diverse music taste
* intelligent
* a nice smile, generic but true
5 things that turn you completely Off.
* insecurity
* negative attitude
* over confidence (read:cocky)
* compulsive liar
* not stable
5 rules that you live by
* You’re only responsible to yourself, until you have kids
* If you love it, go for it
* Don’t talk about it, be about it!
* troubles don’t last always
* Treat others how you want to be treated
Posted in Cleo's Rants, entertainment, eternal reflections | Tags: change, fashion, random | 1 Comment »
November 9, 2010
SO.. the other day I had the brilliant idea for my future son’s name. In the past I was absolutely in love withe name Quincy or Quinton (I wanted him to be called Q and be HOT like Omar Epps in Love & Basketball LMAO). But last night I decided (unless my future husband in against it) that I want my son to be named after my uncles. I do want a junior as well, so if my husband is able to convince me to have multiples then I can use both. My uncles names are Glenn Tracy and Spencer Eric. Now of course that is four names and I wont use all four, so I’m thinking my child’s name will be Glenn Eric or Eric Glenn. I love the name Glenn, even though we call him Uncle Tracy. Growing up he had a motto, “If you swole, say you swole,” for when you had an attitude and wanted to pretend things were OK. He’s lived in Utah for the past like ten years – I know right, who lives in Utah???My uncle Eric, he has passed away. He was just a silly man, all my family calls him Eggie (because he had an egg head) and I love the relationship he had with my grandmother. He was always there to do things for her around the house when no one else was. So I told my grandmother my idea and she said, “Oh really, when you going to get started?” and I had to tell her she at LEAST 5 years to go and I need to find this future husband first. #goodtimes.
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